


Of Vows and Votives

by LaMaupin



Series: Luminaria [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Candle Shop AU, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:34:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6689323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaMaupin/pseuds/LaMaupin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke didn't plan on falling for her most annoying customer, but now she's in a relationship, so she should probably figure some stuff out</p><p>Or, the first part was the story of how they met. This is the story of how they fell in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lavender Scented Pillars

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct follow up to Of Tealights and Tapers (part 1 of the series), and while I guess it can be read as a stand alone, if you do, you're missing out on some A+ candle jokes and the entire meet cute part of the story so
> 
> As always, many thanks to tumblingforth for beta-ing and just putting up with me while writing it, and also shout out to my friend Tessa for coming up with the title

The scent of lavender wafted through the store. Clarke immediately knew that Jasper must have decided to burn a lavender candle at the register today. If it were up to her, they wouldn’t burn candles in the store at all, but the owners thought it was good advertisement, and she wasn’t about to argue with her bosses about it. It mostly wasn’t an issue, but Jasper’s latest obsession with the lavender candles was becoming an actual problem.

She tried to focus on making the next month’s schedules, but the scent was starting to drive her crazy. She wasn’t sure at what point in the last two months she had stopped being able smell lavender without thinking about Lexa, and more specifically sex with Lexa, but here she was.

She silently cursed Lexa as she left the office and went to find Jasper.

“What’s up boss?” he asked when she found him at the register.

“I’m going to need you to cool it with the lavenders.” She blew out the one he had lit and replaced it with a vanilla spice, hoping that it would mask the scent.

“I thought everyone likes lavender?” 

“That’s the problem. It’s our most popular scent, we don’t need to advertise it, it sells itself.” She knew she was reaching, but it seemed like a plausible explanation. Better than ‘my girlfriend burns lavender candles when we have sex and now I get turned on whenever I smell them’ at any rate. 

Jasper didn’t seem like he was buying it though. “It’s the most popular and appeals to the most people and so it helps maintain a nice ambiance that draws people in and makes them want to buy things.”

“Literally any other scent does the same thing. No more lavender. Stick to the less popular scents from now on.” She hated having to pull rank on Jasper, because they were friends, he had gotten her the job actually, but she really couldn’t deal with being turned on all day at work.

“Whatever you say, boss.” He gave her a mocking salute before turning back to the register to help a customer.

She retreated back into the office, relieved. She was still frustrated and worked up, but she went back to making schedules, trying not to think about her date that night. She just had to get through the day, which would be significantly easier now that the shop didn’t smell like Lexa’s bedroom.

* * *

 

“I love that you can cook.” Clarke slipped her arms around Lexa’s waist from behind, resting her chin on her shoulder while she made dinner. Lexa leaned into her, turning her head to nuzzle Clarke’s hair.

“Some of us don’t want to live off of instant ramen and take out,” Lexa teased, stirring the sauce she was making.

“Hey, I also make pasta.” 

“Mac and cheese out of a box does not count as pasta.”

Clarke couldn’t argue with that, even if she wanted to. “Well it’s a good thing that I have you to make me real pasta then.” 

Lexa laughed softly. Clarke brushed Lexa’s hair aside and pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. 

“I still can’t believe you have an infinity tattoo,” she teased. 

“What’s wrong with my tattoo?” Lexa pulled away from her slightly, and Clarke wondered if she had wandered into dangerous territory. As easy and comfortable as things were between them, Lexa rarely talked about her past, and sometimes it felt like a minefield Clarke wasn’t prepared to navigate.

“Nothing, it’s just very basic teenage girl.”

Lexa turned around, regarding her with a serious look. “I got it when I was seventeen.”

“I would have thought you were a cooler teenager than that is all.” Clarke tried to lighten the suddenly intense mood. She realized that humor may not be the best way to handle whatever it was she had gotten herself into, but she wasn’t sure what else to do.

Lexa rubbed the back of her neck and turned back to the stove. Clarke thought that was going to be the end of the conversation, but eventually Lexa spoke again, voice flat. “I got it after…after Costia died.”

“Oh…I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Clarke had only heard bits and pieces about Costia. Just enough to know that she been Lexa’s girlfriend and she died when they were in high school. But Lexa seemed like she really didn’t want to talk about it, so she didn’t press, even though she was curious about the girl that Lexa still seemed hung up on after nearly a decade. 

“Don’t be.” Lexa took a deep breath and focused on draining the pasta. 

Clarke felt like she was intruding on some sort of private moment, so she retreated to the living room. She ended up in Lexa’s bedroom, perusing her bookshelf. Lexa’s books were mostly classics and poetry collections, with the occasional more modern novel. Clarke had to laugh when she found a section dedicated to Tolkien. 

“There you are, Clarke.” Lexa poked her head into the room. “Dinner’s ready.”

“I didn’t know you were a nerd,” Clarke replied, indicating the well worn copies of _The Lord of the Rings_.

“They are genre defining classics,” Lexa defended. “Although I’m pleased that you think I’m cool.”

“You’re pretty cool for someone obsessed with candles and poetry.” Clarke laughed at the exasperated look Lexa gave her. She turned back to the bookshelf and pulled out a copy of the collected poems of Lord Byron that had caught her eye earlier. “Actually, can I borrow this?”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “What were you just saying about poetry?”

“I’m working on a series of illustrations of famous poems,” Clarke explained. “I want to do She Walks in Beauty.”

Lexa considered this for a moment, looking intently at the book. “Okay.”

Clarke wondered why it took her so long to agree. 

She followed Lexa out to the dinning room, flipping through the book looking for the page she wanted. When she located the poem in question, she found a faded photo tucked into it, creased but pressed flat by the book. It showed a teenaged Lexa, holding hands with a pretty dark skinned girl, looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. Clarke was taken aback by how innocent and carefree Lexa looked, no trace of the pain that she sometimes saw in her eyes. 

She flipped the photo over and found “A happy memory -A” inscribed on the back. She felt like she was intruding, like this was something she was never meant to see. 

She looked up and found Lexa studying her, and she offered her the picture. Lexa took it from her almost carefully, as if it might shatter. “I forgot that was in there.” 

“Is that Costia?”

“Yes,” Lexa said, never taking her eyes off of the picture. “This was taken our junior year of high school.” 

They stood in silence, Lexa studying the photo, Clarke studying Lexa. Eventually Lexa carefully tucked the photo behind a candle on the mantle. She looked a million miles away when she finally looked back at Clarke with a sad smile.

“I didn’t mean to drag stuff up,” Clarke offered, feeling bad that what was supposed to be a nice night in had turned into something heavier.

“You couldn’t have known.” Lexa seemed to come back to reality, looking somewhat abashed by the turn they had taken. “We should eat. The food’s getting cold.”

Lexa started dishing out the food, as Clarke poured the wine, determined to turn the evening around. 

“Oh my god this is amazing.” Clarke had known that Lexa was a good cook, but this was on a whole other level. 

Lexa finally seemed to relax at that, smiling at her. “Indra’s secret family recipe.”

“If it’s a secret family recipe how did you get it?” Clarke asked lightly.

“Indra is family,” was all Lexa offered by way of explanation. 

“You don’t talk about your family much.” Clarke realized that she should probably just leave it be, she’d already done enough tonight, but she was curious.

“My family is…complicated.” That seemed to be all Lexa was willing to say about it. Clarke was a little bit hurt, because while they hadn’t been going out for all that long, it felt like they were closer than that. She decided not to push it however, because she had been looking forward to this date all week and she didn’t want to make it any more awkward than it already was.

“Aren’t they all?” She asked ironically. She really couldn’t fault Lexa for not wanting to talk about her family, given that she hadn’t told her about her dad, but it didn’t stop the small twinge of sadness at the fact that Lexa didn’t seem to trust her. 

Lexa just shook her head. “Why all this heavy talk? This was supposed to be a fun night.”

“Well, I’m sure we can still find a way to make it fun.” Clarke winked at her, enjoying the way Lexa blushed, and trying to put all thoughts of the past out of her head.

* * *

 

Clarke didn’t know how Raven had found out about the lavender candles, but one day Clarke came home from work to find that Raven burning one in the living room.

“What’s this?” Clarke was pretty sure she knew what Raven was doing, but she was determined not to give her any sort of confirmation.

“Oh nothing. I just thought, who doesn’t like a lavender candle? I think it really livens up the place.” Raven gave her an all too innocent grin. 

Clarke really hated Raven right then. She had played it so that if Clarke insisted on putting the candle out she would be confirming her suspicions, so she had no choice but to let it burn, and maybe go a little crazy in the process. 

“I agree.” Clarke retreated to her room, hoping that she could shut out the scent, but it didn’t work. She wasn’t sure who she hated more right then: Raven for torturing her or Lexa for giving her this problem in the first place. 

She held out for as long as she could, she really did, but eventually she couldn’t stand it anymore. She generally tried not to bother Lexa on week nights because they both had to get up early for work, but she broke down and texted her anyways. 

**Clarke:** _What are you up to tonight?_

**Lexa:** _Not much. Just at home watching the game_

**Clarke:** _Do you want to come over?_

**Lexa:** _I don’t know, this game is going into extra innings…_

**Clarke:** _You’d pick a baseball game over having sex with me? I’m offended_

**Lexa:** _Oh…I didn’t realize this was a booty call_

**Clarke:** _Of course it’s a booty call, you dork_

**Lexa:** _Well in that case, I’ll be over in fifteen minutes_

True to her word, Lexa was at her door fifteen minutes later. As soon as she was safely in Clarke’s room, and away from the prying eyes of a certain roommate of hers, Clarke pinned her against the door and kissed her. 

Lexa kissed her back hungrily, sliding her hands under Clarke’s shirt and positioning her thigh between Clarke’s leg and letting Clarke grind against her. 

“You weren’t kidding about this being a booty call,” Lexa teased when they finally separated.

“I don’t joke about important things like sex.” Clarke unbuttoned Lexa’s jeans and slid her hand into her underwear, gratified to find that she was already wet. “I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s turned on right now.”

Lexa moaned, grinding her hips against Clarke’s hand. “It took me fifteen minutes to get here, Clarke. That’s a very long time.”

“Trust me, I know.” Clarke withdrew her hand, ignoring the pleading look Lexa gave her. “Take your pants off.”

Lexa stripped off her jeans in record time, tossing them in the general direction of a pile of laundry in the corner. 

Clarke pressed Lexa back against the door as she sank to her knees in front of her. She looked up at Lexa, enjoying the way she had her head leaned back against the door, chest heaving in anticipation, before she settled one of Lexa’s legs on her shoulder.

Clarke awoke early the next morning to Lexa trying to find her clothes. 

“You’re leaving?” she asked sleepily, pushing herself up on her elbows.

“Go back to sleep, Clarke.” Lexa succeeded in locating her bra and started digging through a pile of clothes looking for her shirt. 

“Come back to bed, it’s like 5 am, even you don’t have to be up this early.”

Lexa pulled her jeans out of the pile she was digging through but still couldn’t find her shirt. “I need to go home so I can get ready for work, I don’t have anything to wear here.” 

“Doesn’t your office have causal Fridays?” 

“Not this casual.” Lexa indicated the baggy Chicago Cubs t-shirt she had finally located.

“I still can’t believe you’re a Cubs fan,” Clarke grumbled. 

“You don’t even like baseball.” Lexa shook her head, obviously amused by Clarke’s petulance. 

“Well I still hate the Cubs.” Clarke fell back against her pillow dramatically. “But I think I can forgive you if you come back to bed.”

“As tempting as that is, I really do need to go.” 

“Just borrow one of Raven’s sweaters. You’re about the same size and she owes me anyways.”

Lexa clutched her jeans, looking unsure. “I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not imposing. But if you’d really rather drive all the way home instead of spending the next hour cuddling with me I won’t stop you.” 

Lexa considered that for a moment before giving in, like Clarke knew she would. She abandoned her clothes and climbed back into bed, resting her head on Clarke’s shoulder. 

“I knew you’d see reason eventually,” Clarke teased.

“You won Clarke, now shut up and hold me before I regret staying.” Clarke laughed and pulled Lexa closer, softly kissing the top of her head. 

When they finally did get up, it was to find an altogether too-chipper-for-6 am Raven in the kitchen making coffee.

“I see someone had a good time last night,” she said with a grin, as Clarke got out an extra mug. “Or, more accurately, I heard someone having a good time last night.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “You’re not allowed to tease me before I’ve had coffee. You know the rules.”

Lexa gladly took the coffee Clarke offered her, ears slightly pink. 

“Fine, fine, I can wait,” Raven conceded. To Clarke’s horror she turned her attention to Lexa instead. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

“For what?” Lexa looked as confused as Clarke was at that.

“For getting you laid because Clarke here can’t deal with lavender scented candles anymore.” 

Lexa turned bright red, eyes wide from embarrassment. 

Clarke punched Raven in the arm, probably harder than she should have but it was early and she was cranky. “How did you even know about that?”

Raven shrugged, rubbing her arm. “I have my ways, and besides, I am a genius.”

“What does she mean, Clarke?” Lexa asked when she finally recovered.

“Are you going to tell her or do you want me to?” Raven teased, stepping out range of the second punch Clarke threw at her.

“Shut it, Reyes.” She turned back to Lexa, who was waiting with an expectant look. “What my asshole roommate is referring to is that because you always light lavender candles when we have sex, I can’t smell lavender anymore without getting turned on. Raven somehow figured that out, which is something we will be returning to later, and, like the asshole she is, decided that she really needed to burn lavender candles last night.”

She watched as Lexa put it together, her eyes going wide and the blush returning. “Ah.”

Clarke hid her face behind her coffee cup, more than a little embarrassed by the whole situation.

Lexa finally broke the awkward silence that had developed, looking a little sheepish. “Is it okay if I use your shower?” 

“Of course. There are extra towels in the closet.”

Lexa retreated to the bathroom, and Clarke rounded on Raven, who was eating her cereal as if nothing had happened. “You’re an asshole.”

Raven laughed. “You’re the one who pavloved yourself into a candle kink.”

“I don’t have a candle kink.”

“You kinda do.” Raven stood up and cleared away her dishes. “Anyhoo, I have to go to work. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Don’t think you’re off the hook for this,” Clarke called after her. It was way too early for this, and now she regretted insisting Lexa stay. An extra hour of cuddling definitely wasn’t worth Raven’s mischief. 

She busied herself raiding Raven’s closet for something for Lexa to wear. Eventually Lexa emerged from the bathroom, looking much more put together than she had any right to.

“Sorry about that.” Clarke handed Lexa the sweater, feeling bad about the whole situation.

“Don’t be. I like it.”

“Really?” 

Lexa smirked. “It means sex with me is so good that you can’t stop thinking about it.”

Now it was Clarke’s turn to blush. 

“Uh..I have to get ready for work,” she stammered, pushing past Lexa into the bathroom. Maybe she forgive Raven for this one after all.

* * *

 

Clarke hid behind her beer while Raven recounted the story to their friends that night at the bar. She was glad the low light hid her burning face. Raven definitely wasn’t off the hook for this anymore.

“So then, she has to explain to her girlfriend at like six in the morning that she’s developed a candle kink and that’s why she booty called her on a random Thursday night. Lexa looked like she was going to die from embarrassment.” 

Everyone laughed, and Octavia fixed Clarke with an incredulous look. “Really Clarke? Candles?”

“It’s not my fault, okay?” Clarke scrubbed her face with her hands, hating all of her friends. “It’s just that, she has all these lavender candles in her room that she lights whenever we have sex, and now it’s like, a thing.” 

“A thing that would literally only happen to you.” Octavia shook her head in disbelief. 

“That must make work awkward,” Bellamy said sympathetically. She was glad that he, at least, was on her side in this.

“You have no idea. I had to ask Jasper not to burn lavenders in the store anymore. I don’t think he bought my excuse about not needing to advertise the best selling scent.”

“He did not,” Raven said.

“That’s how you figured it out?” Clarke shouldn’t have been surprised, because Jasper could be a bit of a gossip, but it hadn’t occurred to her that he might have started all of this.

“I mean, he didn’t put it together or anything, but yeah.” Raven was far too smug about the whole thing. “He just said it was weird that you were adamant not burning lavenders anymore and I, being the genius that I am, figured it out.”

“So modest.” Bellamy rolled his eyes at Raven, before turning back to Clarke. “You should invite Lexa to come out with us next time.”

“I don’t know…” Clarke had thought about it, and she wasn’t sure why she was against it, but she was. It was ridiculous because Lexa had met all of her friends before, but it was still all so new.

“Yeah, come on Clarke, you go straight to her place after we go out anyways,” Raven said.“Invite her out with us, it’ll be fun.”

“I’m just not sure it’s that serious yet.” It was what Clarke kept telling herself, but even so, it felt like a lie. 

“Whatever you say.” Octavia’s skeptical tone mirrored the looks the rest of her friends were giving her.

“What does that mean?” Clarke felt herself getting defensive, but she didn’t appreciate her friends butting into her relationship. 

“Just that you were agonizing over this girl after the first date. And I know you, Clarke. Whatever your issue is it’s not that you’re not serious enough yet.”

Clarke shifted uncomfortably in her seat, looking anywhere but at Octavia. She was right, but Clarke didn’t really want to think about that. Her entire day felt like a series of awkward conversations, and she really just wanted to enjoy her Friday night.

“Fine, I’ll invite her next time.” That seemed to placate Octavia.

Clarke wondered why it bothered her so much. She liked Lexa a lot, and she loved her friends, but they felt like completely separate things. She couldn’t quite see them existing in the same space, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to just yet.

* * *

 

The anniversary of her dad’s death snuck up on her. Well, it didn’t really because she could never actually forget it, but in the weeks leading up to it she had done everything she could not to think about it, so it felt almost like forgetting.

She had hoped that this year would be different. That somehow two years without him would be easier to deal with than just one, but her grief was a non linear thing, and it hit her just as hard as it had the previous year.

She awoke to the soft click of Raven’s brace as she set down a glass of water and a sleeve of crackers on her nightstand. 

“Go back to sleep. I called in for you and Octavia will stop by and bring you lunch later.” She was grateful that her friends were there to look after her, because she couldn’t have gotten out of bed even if she wanted to. Raven smoothed Clarke’s hair affectionately. “We miss him too, you know. He was good to us.”

Raven left, and Clarke was alone with her grief.

Her friends took care of her, just like they had before, because they had been there when it happened. When she had come home to help set up for her parents’ annual Fourth of July party to find him dead in the kitchen. When she hadn’t been able to get out of bed for a week after the funeral. When she had pushed Finn away and he finally left.

It had been two years and yet it felt like no time at all. Like she was right back there in her parents’ kitchen. 

She missed him. She missed him so much it felt like a physical ache in her chest, like a part of her had been stolen. 

She had always been closer to him than her mom. He was the one she went to with problems, or for advice, or just to talk. Her mom tried, now that he was gone, but it wasn’t the same. They had never been close, not like she was with her dad, and now more than ever it felt like there was a yawning gulf between them. 

She knew she should call her mom, today of all days, but it was all she could do to keep herself from falling apart completely, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to hold onto that if she heard her pain reflected back at her in her mom’s voice. She would call tomorrow and her mom would understand.

At some point Octavia came over, setting a bowl of soup down next to the untouched crackers Raven had left. She didn’t say anything. She just sat with her for as long as she could before she had to go back to work. Clarke loved that about Octavia. She never tried to make it better. Never offered platitudes or empty advice. She just offered her silent, unwavering support. 

She slept through most of the afternoon and woke in the early evening, trying to hold onto the dreams where her dad was alive and here with her, holding her like he had when she was small. 

She heard murmuring from the hallway. She vaguely wondered what it was about, but she couldn’t make herself care. 

There was a soft knock on her door. Clarke heard the door open and was surprised to see Lexa tentatively standing in her doorway, framed by a confused Raven and an unhappy Octavia. 

“They said you were out sick when I stopped by the shop this afternoon,” Lexa said softly, as if not wanting to disturb the quiet of the room. “I was worried.”

Clarke nodded slightly to let her friends know it was okay. And it was. Frankly, she was surprised that she was okay with Lexa being here, seeing her like this, but she didn’t have the energy to think about what that meant. 

She rolled over to face Lexa, who sat lightly on the edge of the bed and studied her, as if she were searching for answers to long forgotten questions. 

When Clarke finally met her eyes she was afraid that she would find sympathy or concern there, but instead found only understanding. It occurred to her that Lexa understood pain and grief and loss. 

“I brought you this,” she said eventually, placing a small votive candle on Clarke’s nightstand, along with a box of matches. Clarke waited for the explanation, and when it came, it was in a quiet, almost reverent voice. “After Costia died Anya gave me a candle like this. She told me to think of a happy memory of her every time I lit it, so that by the I finished the box of matches all that was left would be happy memories. It helped. I think it might help you too.”

“Thank you.” Her voice cracked, and she wasn’t sure it if was from sadness or from the sheer awe at the realization of just how much Lexa cared for her. 

Lexa softly brushed a strand of hair away from Clarke’s face. “You will be okay in time, Clarke. It takes longer than we want it to, but eventually anniversaries become a day to remember what you had, not what you lost.”

Clarke believed her. If it had been anyone else she didn’t think she would have, not today at least, but with Lexa it was different. She wasn’t trying to make her feel better. She was stating facts, pointing out the truth in a way that made it seem obvious.

She didn’t realize how comforting Lexa’s presence was until she got up to leave. 

“Don’t go.” Lexa turned around at the sound of her voice, a question in her eyes. Clarke sat up, pushing the covers back. “Please?”

To Clarke’s relief Lexa came back. Accepting her unspoken offer she climbed into bed next to her, wrapping Clarke in her arms. She fell asleep to the slow beat of Lexa’s heart, dreams filled with happy memories of her dad. 


	2. Tea Lights

Clarke awoke to a loud banging on Lexa’s door. She wondered who it could possibly be at 3 am. The knocking continued as Lexa pulled on clothes and went to answer it. 

Octavia burst into the room, with what Clarke thought was way too much energy for the middle of the night. Lexa followed her, looking somewhat uncomfortable with the intrusion.

“Guess what?” 

Clarke had a pretty good idea of why Octavia was so excited, given that Lincoln had asked her for Octavia’s ring size the month before, but she decided to let Octavia have this one and she played along.

“You and Lincoln finally had that three way with Anya?”

Lexa looked vaguely ill at that suggestion, but Octavia rolled her eyes, unimpressed. “You couldn’t come up with anything better?”

“What do you want from me? You just woke me up at 3 in the morning.” Octavia conceded the point with a shrug. “Are you going to tell me why or are you just going to continue to judge my attempts at humor?”

“Yes, why are you here?” Lexa asked, looking annoyed. 

Octavia ignored Lexa’s tone and turned back to Clarke. “Lincoln proposed!” 

Clarke was excited for them, in no small part because it meant that Raven and Bellamy owed her money for correctly guessing the month.

“I would hug you, but…” She gestured at herself, suddenly very aware that she was naked under the thin sheet she was holding against herself.

“Not that I haven’t seen it before, but I am going to need you to put a shirt on.” 

“That’s what you get for bursting into my girlfriend’s apartment in the middle of the night. Honestly, O, I don’t know what you were expecting.” 

“I’ll leave you to get dressed,” Octavia said, heading out into the living room.

Lexa gave her an annoyed look and handed her a pair of pajamas before following Octavia out.

By the time Clarke was up and dressed Lexa had disappeared, but Clarke hugged Octavia and pulled her down onto the couch. “First things first, show me the ring.”  Octavia dutifully extended her hand. The ring was understated but perfectly suited to her. “Lincoln did good.”

“He really did,” Octavia replied with a smile.

Lexa emerged from the kitchen carrying what looked like a very nice bottle of whiskey. “I’m going upstairs to congratulate Lincoln, as long as you are here.” 

Octavia raised her eyebrow at Clarke once Lexa left. “Just so you know this whole your girlfriend doesn’t like me thing is getting old.”

“She’s coming around,” Clarke defended. “She just hasn’t spent much time with you yet.”

“And whose fault is that?” Octavia was right. Clarke still hadn’t invited Lexa to go out with them, but it suited both of them just fine so far.

“Point taken.” Clarke got up and headed into the kitchen. “So, what are we drinking to celebrate your engagement?”

“You really want to start drinking at 3 am?”

“You only get engaged once. Hopefully. And I’m not suggesting we do tequila shots, just that we have a glass of wine because I don’t think Lexa has any champagne.” Clarke pulled out an open bottle of relatively nice red wine and poured them both a glass. “So, tell me all about it.”

Octavia considered the wine Clarke handed her for a second before accepting it with a shrug. “There’s not much to tell. Lincoln made dinner for me, and then asked me over dessert. It was all very traditional, down on one knee and all that. I said yes, obviously, and then we had a bunch of sex and now I’m here.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at Octavia’s lackluster storytelling and raised her glass to her friend. “Well, here’s to you and Lincoln.” 

Octavia grinned as she drank to that, looking happier than Clarke had seen her in a long time. “You’re next you know.”

Clarke was genuinely confused by that. “How do you figure?”

“Really, Clarke? Do you need me to spell out how grossly in love with Lexa you are?”

Octavia’s words were too close to the truth for Clarke’s comfort. Too close to things she was actively avoiding thinking about. 

“I don’t know if I would say that. I mean, it’s only been four months.” 

Octavia raised her eyebrow at Clarke over her wineglass, obviously not buying Clarke’s deflection. “Anyone with half a brain can see that she feels the same way. Why are you so afraid of it?”

“I just…I don’t know.” It was the truth. Somewhere in the past four months Clarke had ended up in deeper with Lexa than she had ever meant to be. She hadn’t really thought about it all that much, hadn’t let herself think about it, because that would make it real, and she wasn’t ready for that yet. It brought up too many things that she didn’t want to deal with.

“Let me know when you get your head out of your ass.” 

Clarke sighed, not wanting to deal with her own issues right then. “Why are we talking about me? We should be talking about you, and your wedding.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me that I have to plan a wedding,” Octavia said, taking a long drink. “Can’t you just let me enjoy this for at least a full day?”

Clarke laughed. “As your maid of honor it’s my job to remind you that you have to actually plan your wedding.”

“Who said you were my maid of honor?”

“Who else would it be? Raven? You’re planning a wedding and not a demolition derby.”

Octavia laughed and playfully shoved Clarke’s shoulder. “Fine, you can be my maid of honor.”

They talked for a while longer, until the wine and the hour caught up with them. Eventually Octavia left and Lexa came back, smelling faintly of whiskey.

Lexa fell asleep almost immediately, but Clarke lay awake for a long time.She tried to shake away the dark thoughts creeping into the edges of her consciousness, and just be happy for Octavia and Lincoln. Her best friend was getting married to a great guy. She hated herself for feeling anything but excited for them.

She thought about how much things had changed from when it was just her and Raven competing against each other in high school, and then the three of them taking the world by storm in college. Things had been so simple back then, before life got in the way. Back then she’d had a plan, a plan that definitely didn’t involve working at a candle store and falling too fast for a girl it sometimes felt like she barely knew. 

* * *

 

“I know just what we need to celebrate this,” Raven said the next night when they had all gathered at their favorite bar to officially celebrate Lincoln and Octavia’s engagement.

“I swear to god if you say another round of shots, you’re uninvited from the wedding,” Bellamy groaned, already looking a bit worse for wear.

“So a) you don’t have the power to uninvited me and b) I was going to say we need to throw a proper party, but now we definitely need another round of shots.”

Octavia laughed as Raven berated Bellamy. “You just want an excuse to throw a party.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. We haven’t thrown a party since your housewarming and that was months ago, and there won’t be another good reason until Halloween which is months from now."

“You think maybe you guys should stop throwing ragers now that you’re not in college anymore?” Bellamy asked. 

“Um, our parties are classy as fuck thank you very much, and no one asked you.” Everyone else agreed with Raven, much to Bellamy’s chagrin. “Now, for that round of shots. Who hasn’t bought yet?”

Raven looked around the table. Clarke and Bellamy had already bought rounds, leaving only Lexa, who Clarke had finally invited out with them. It seemed only fair after she had been woken up in the middle of the night by Octavia. And Octavia had threatened to have Lincoln invite her if Clarke didn’t, so really she didn’t have an excuse anymore.

“I think it’s your turn, Candle Girl,” Raven said, getting up to go to the bar. 

“Candle Girl?” Lexa looked somewhat affronted by the nickname.

“It’s accurate isn’t it?”

“I don’t understand why everyone is so against candles,” Lexa grumbled, following Raven to the bar.

“I’m glad you finally got her to come out with us,” Bellamy said. Octavia snorted at that, but Bellamy ignored her. He really was too nice sometimes. “It reminds me of the first time Lincoln came out with us.”

Clarke groaned at that. “Oh god, I hope it’s not that bad.”

“Hey, what is that supposed to mean?” Lincoln asked. 

“Babe, you were so nervous you spilled a pitcher of beer on yourself and then hid in the bathroom for twenty minutes.” Octavia smiled affectionately at the memory as Clarke and Bellamy laughed. 

“I guess that did happen,” Lincoln admitted. “In my defense, Bellamy spent the entire night glaring at me.” 

“I don’t remember it that way,” Bellamy said. The way Clarke remembered it he had spent the entire first year of Lincoln and Octavia’s relationship glaring at Lincoln, but before she could argue with him Raven and Lexa returned with the shots.

Once they were distributed Bellamy held his up to toast. “To my sister and future brother-in-law. Hopefully this is the only wedding they ever have.”

Octavia flipped him off as they all did their shots. 

“Am I drunker than I thought or was that better than the swill Bellamy bought?” Lincoln asked. 

“Well Bell does refuse to buy anything nicer than swill because he’s cheap, although I would have thought he’d get the good stuff for his sister” Clarke said, elbowing Bellamy playfully. It was a well known fact that he hated spending money on alcohol.

“Hey, it gets the job done. And really, shouldn’t Raven be footing the bill? She makes more than the rest of us combined with her fancy engineering job.”

“Don’t put your shitty taste on me. And I don’t make more than the rest of you combined, because I don’t know how much Lexa makes, and it would be rude to ask.” Raven sat back with a smug look. “And it’s not my fault Lexa’s willing to spend more than you on drinks to celebrate your only sister’s engagement.”

“Lexa does have better taste than you, Bellamy,” Lincoln said, and Bellamy made a face. 

Lexa just nodded in agreement, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, which made both Clarke and Lincoln laugh. 

Clarke could feel the latest shot work its way into her system, making her pleasantly warm. She slid her arm around Lexa’s waist and rested her head on her shoulder. Her friends were idiots but they were fun, and she liked the feeling of being surrounded by all her favorite people, Lexa included. She wondered why she ever thought this wasn’t a good idea.

* * *

 

“Just how much of that are you planning on making?” Clarke asked skeptically as she watched Raven pour nearly an entire bottle of vodka into the punch bowl and another into a large stock pot. They were setting up for the party Raven had insisted on throwing Lincoln and Octavia, and Octavia’s kitchen was littered with the debris from various snacks, Jell-O shots, and now Raven’s special punch.

“We always run out before midnight. I’m not running that risk tonight.” Raven tasted it and added more juice. 

“Yeah but by the time we run out everyone’s already drunk. Are you trying to kill us?” Clarke tossed in the fruit she had sliced before Raven put the lid on the pot and stowed the extra punch in the fridge.

“We have to get our parties in while we still can. Before you know it Lincoln and Octavia are going to be a boring domestic married couple who can’t stay out past ten on a weekend.”

Clarke laughed. “Don’t let Octavia hear you say that. Have some faith in her, Rae.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re on your way to grossly domestic too,” Raven teased.

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Clarke picked up the punch bowl and carried it out to where Lexa was setting up food in the dining room.

“Because it’s true.” Raven seemed content with letting it drop after that, more interested in the plate of cookies on the table.

“Leave some for the guests,” Lexa chastised when Raven grabbed three cookies. 

“You’re no fun, Candle Girl,” Raven grumbled, putting one back. Lexa crossed her arms and glared at Raven until she put the second one back. Raven shoved the last one in her mouth before Lexa could say anything else. 

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh. 

Raven huffed and started setting up cups next to the punch. When she finished, she poured them each a glass. 

“Are we really going to pregame our own party?” Clarke considered her drink skeptically. 

“Do you really want to be sober when Octavia and Lincoln get back from dinner with his parents?” Raven had a point. Lincoln’s parents loved Octavia and she was always unreasonably annoying after spending time with them.

“I remember this being stronger,” Lexa said, sipping at her drink.

“Oh, it’s just as strong as you remember,” Clarke warned. “Raven perfected the art of making it not taste like 85% liquor sophomore year of college.”

“What can I say? I am a genius.” Raven flashed her a grin as Lexa reconsidered her drink. She was distracted from her gloating by the doorbell. “That’ll be Bellamy with the ice. Right on time.”

Clarke tried to pace herself but she drank nearly half her glass of punch by the time the guests started arriving, and was happily drunk by the time the party really got going. She went in search of something to eat and found Bellamy eating the last of the chips. 

“No fair, you can’t hog the bag,” she complained, trying to grab it from him.

He laughed and pulled the bag away from her, keeping it out of her reach. She pouted until he gave in, proffering it to her. “Fine, we can share.”

She took a handful and leaned against him. She normally wasn’t casually physically affectionate with him, but she was drunk and Lexa had been having a very boring conversation about baseball with Gustus and Nyko for the past hour. 

“I can’t believe they’re getting married,” Bellamy said after a while.

Clarke looked over to where Octavia and Lincoln were talking to Jasper and Monty. Even though they had all known it was coming, it was still kind of weird to think about. Sometimes it felt like they were all just playing at adulthood, but there was no denying that they were real adults now. Or at least, Lincoln and Octavia were. 

“They grow up so fast,” she teased. 

He laughed softly and shook is head. “You joke, but that’s what it feels like. My baby sister is getting married. When did you guys stop being those annoying college freshmen crashing all my parties?”

“That was like six years ago, get over it already. And we only crashed one party.” 

“That’s not how I remember it.”

“Well you’re drunk, so I don’t know if we can trust your memory.” 

“I’m drunk? You’re drunk.” Bellamy shot back, grinning. 

“It’s true,” she said, resting her head against his shoulder.

“Why is your girlfriend glaring at me?” Bellamy asked.

“I don’t know.” She looked up and found that Lexa was indeed glaring at him from across the room. Clarke was unable to hide her amusement at the way Lexa was shooting daggers at Bellamy. 

When she noticed Clarke watching her, Lexa came over to them. She slid her arm around Clarke’s waist possessively and pulled her slightly away from Bellamy. Clarke would have laughed if she wasn’t kind of turned on.

“Having fun?” Clarke asked, leaning into her.

She considered the question for a second, and Clarke realized that Lexa was as drunk as she was. “Yes. I think Anya is trying to get me drunk.”

“I think she’s succeeding, friend,” Bellamy said lightly. 

Lexa narrowed her eyes at him. “You are not my friend.”

Clarke and Bellamy laughed. Lexa looked confused which only made Clarke laugh harder. 

“Why is that funny?”

“You’re just cute is all.”

“I wasn’t trying to be cute. I was trying to be intimidating,” Lexa complained. “I don’t like how close he was to you.”

“You have nothing to worry about from me,” Bellamy assured her. “She’s like my sister.”

“Yeah, I’m like his sister, except cuter and less threatening. And also, I’m just affectionate when I’m drunk, which I am. Drunk, I mean.” 

Lexa gave Bellamy another suspicious look before turning back to Clarke and burying her nose in Clarke’s hair. “You smell nice.”

Clarke smiled, charmed by how quickly Lexa had switched from jealous to adorable. “You’re drunk.”

“Only a little bit. Raven’s punch is quite strong,” Lexa mumbled into Clarke’s hair.

“I did warn you.” Clarke pulled her over to the couch and sat down. Lexa immediately cuddled into her side. “You’re adorable.”

Lexa scrunched up her face. “I am not adorable.”

Clarke laughed but let her have it. 

“Get a room,” Raven teased, throwing herself down on the couch next to them. “Or drink more I guess. But actually, drink more. We’re going to have so much left over punch otherwise.”

“I told you we didn’t need that much punch.”

“We just need to find a way to encourage people to keep drinking,” Raven said thoughtfully.

“Do we really want to encourage people to get drunker than they already are?” It was already past midnight and the party was starting to thin out. 

“I’ve got it,” Raven said, getting up from the couch and looking around for Octavia. 

“I feel like whatever her idea is I am not going to like it,” Lexa said.

“Probably not.” Clarke was fairly sure no one was going to like Raven’s idea. 

“Octavia!” Raven shouted across the room. Octavia shot her a look but freed herself from Jasper and Monty and came over.

“What?”

“Never have I ever?” 

That got Clarke’s attention. “No.”

“Well now I want to play even more,” Raven pouted.

“Yeah, why not?” Octavia asked, in that way she did when she was being stubborn.

“Because unlike you two apparently, I remember the last time we played, and we started sober that night.”

“Don’t be such a killjoy, and besides it’s been forever since we’ve played and we have lots of new people who haven’t played with us here, so it’ll be fun.” Octavia looked like she’d made up her mind, and Clarke wasn’t going to win against both her and Raven. 

Soon enough everyone was arranged in a loose circle around the living room, all with fresh drinks. It started tame enough, with Jasper admitting he’d never been on an airplane and Monty following up with the fact that he’d never left the country. It went on like that for nearly the entire round until it got to Raven, who looked like she was itching to get the game going.

“Never have I ever had sex in the shower,” she said, looking directly at Clarke.

“I feel like I’m being targeted,” Clarke complained as nearly everyone else drank.

Raven feigned innocence. “I’m doing no such thing. I’m just coming up with something I’ve never done because of my bum leg.”

Lexa turned to look at Clarke. “Really, never?”

“It seems pretty unpleasant, being cramped and slippery and all, and I don’t really want to spend more time in the shower than I absolutely have to.” Clarke could feel herself getting defensive under the curious looks her friends were giving her. This was exactly why she didn’t like this game.

“We’ll have to change that won’t we?” Lexa looked a little bit shocked that she had said that out loud as everyone else hooted at them. 

Clarke felt herself turn red and took a swig of her drink. 

“Bathroom’s free if you two want to get it on,” Raven teased. Clarke decided that if she was going to make it through this game she was going to need to be much drunker than she already was.

“No. No one is having sex in our bathroom.” Octavia gave Raven a stern look. 

“Alright, alright, who’s next,” Raven conceded, elbowing Anya who was sitting next to her. 

Anya rolled her eyes, but she embraced the turn the game had taken. “Never have I ever had a three way.”

Raven almost fell over laughing and Octavia glared at her. 

Anya looked somewhat confused at Raven’s reaction. “Do I want to know why that’s funny?”

“Probably not,” Clarke said, trying not to laugh.

Eventually Raven collected herself enough to take a drink. 

Jasper’s eyes were wide as he looked between Raven and Clarke who had also had to drink. “Both of you? Please tell me it was together.”

Clarke looked at Raven and they both shrugged. There were some stories that Clarke didn’t tell to a random assortment of people at parties.

“No fair, you can’t just drop that info and not tell the story,” Jasper complained. 

“I don’t kiss and tell,” Raven said, raising her eyebrow at Jasper.

Bellamy laughed. “That’s a lie but okay.”

Clarke ended up drinking more often than not for the next couple of rounds, but she was pleased that Lexa was as well. 

She was feeling a little vindictive when it finally got around to her again. She was maybe a little bit annoyed at the way Octavia kept pushing her about her relationship, and she wasn’t above targeting her, especially now that she was well and truly wasted. “Never have I ever engaged in knife play.” 

It was petty she knew, but the dirty look Octavia shot her before drinking made it worth it. “You’re fucking dead Griffin.”

Bellamy looked horrified. “I really wish I didn’t know that.”

Lincoln just shrugged. “It’s kind of hot, bro.”

That sent everyone into hysterics. 

“At least I don’t have a candle kink like some people I could name,” Octavia shot back after the laughter died down. That set off another round of laughter at how red both Clarke and Lexa got. 

“I don’t think I like your friends, Clarke,” Lexa grumbled into Clarke’s shoulder, where she was hiding her face. 

“Me neither,” Clarke agreed. 

“Do they ever stop teasing each other?”

“Nope. You’re just going to have to get used to that. But you know what they say, the best defense is a good offense.”

Lexa considered that. “I think that’s backwards.”

Clarke tried to focus on what she had said, but it was too difficult. “Still true though.”

Once everyone calmed down, Bellamy took his turn. “Never have I ever had sex with a man.”

“You really couldn’t come up with anything more interesting?” Raven complained, taking her drink.

“What can I say, I’m just a boring guy I guess.” Bellamy shrugged. “And frankly those last couple got a bit too interesting.”

Everyone but Jasper and Lexa drank, which once again caught Raven’s attention. “Really, Candle Girl? Never? There’s no high school boyfriend or hooking up with a dude just to see what it’s like?”

“No.” Lexa looked down at her hands, embarrassed. “I’m really gay. Just like, so so gay.”

Anya laughed at that. “She’s not kidding you know. I once caught her crying about Xena.”

“First of all, first of all, Xena is a great show,” Lexa defended, slurring slightly. “And b, two can play at that game. I know plenty of things about you.”

“Like what?” Anya was obviously more amused than threatened, which given that Lexa was swaying in her seat was probably fair.

“Halloween, two years ago.”

Anya’s eyes went wide. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Lexa shrugged. “I’m just saying that I know things. You act like you can’t be embarrassed but I know things.”

After that the game devolved into people telling embarrassing stories about each other, which suited Clarke just fine. She was drunk past the point of caring, and after living with Octavia and Raven for nearly six years she had plenty of dirt on them. 

“One time, Raven puked on a dude during sex,” she said in retaliation for Raven’s story about the time she had gotten locked out of the apartment wearing only a sheet. 

“I have a sensitive gag reflex, it happens.” Raven said it like it was the most reasonable thing, and several people agreed with her. “And anyways, I win with most embarrassing fact about someone because Bellamy cries during sex.”

“That was one time,” Bellamy sputtered. 

“I really don’t want to know how you know that,” Octavia said. “And if you want to crash here you will not tell me.”

“Speaking of crashing, I think it’s time for Jasper and I head home,” Monty said, getting up. 

“You’re not driving are you?” Clarke asked.

“Nah, we biked.” 

“Just be careful, and text me when you get home so I know you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere.”

Jasper laughed and he and Monty headed out. “Alright mom.”

Octavia took that as her cue to wrap things up. “Okay, none of you are allowed to drive so who’s sleeping where?”

“I call the couch,” Raven said, sprawling across it dramatically. 

“I guess that leaves the floor for us.” Bellamy looked at Anya, awkwardly patting the floor beside him.

“I think I’m going to crash on Lexa’s couch instead.”

Clarke gently woke Lexa, who was dozing lightly against her side. “Come on, time to go.”

Lexa nodded sleepily and let Clarke help her up. When they got to Lexa’s apartment Anya claimed the couch and Lexa fell into bed fully clothed.

Clarke took Lexa’s shoes off and then started in on her jeans. 

“You just want to get into my pants,” Lexa giggled. 

Clarke shook her head. Lexa was so open and care free like this. Sometimes it was as if she carried the weight of the world, but here she way, laying on her bed, having an honest to god fit of giggles because Clarke was trying to take her pants off. Not for the first time, Clarke wondered just what had happened to make her so serious and closed off. 

Lexa was asleep by the time Clarke crawled into bed a couple of minutes later, but she curled into Clarke’s embrace as if she had been doing so all her life. Clarke pulled her close, trying to ignore the feeling rising in her chest. Trying not to think about what it meant.

* * *

 

The next morning Clarke awoke to an empty bed and the smell of frying bacon. Her head was pounding, but she was only slightly nauseous so she considered it a win, hangover wise. She stayed in bed for as long as her bladder would let her, but eventually she had to get up. 

She found Lexa and Anya in the kitchen making breakfast. They didn’t talk, just moved around each other with the practiced ease of people perfectly in sync with each other, Anya frying bacon and Lexa making pancakes.

Clarke leaned against the doorframe, not wanting to interrupt. She didn’t know that much about Anya, just that when Lexa did talk about her it was with the same quiet reverence she reserved for Lincoln and Costia and a few others from her childhood. 

She thought about the story Lexa had told her when she gave her the candle that now sat in the World’s Best Dad mug on her nightstand, and about the note scrawled on the back of the picture tucked between the pages of Byron.

Clarke couldn’t imagine having that type of relationship with someone. Not really. The closest she could think of was Raven, who she had known since high school, but they hadn’t always been friends. And after everything that had happened with Finn it felt like a miracle that they were as close as they were. Or maybe Wells, before she had driven him away. 

She shook off all thoughts of the past and helped herself to coffee. Lexa noticed her presence in the kitchen for the first time, giving her a soft smile. “Clarke, you’re awake.”

“I’m not happy about it, but yeah, I’m awake,” she grumbled. 

“How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better, but frankly given that Raven’s punch was involved it could be a lot worse.” Clarke sipped at her coffee. It was the fancy hazelnut blend that Lexa preferred, which was too sweet for her taste but coffee was coffee, and it was already easing her headache.

“Consider yourself lucky then,” Anya said, looking up from the stove. “You should have seen this one after the last time you and Reyes threw a party. You were puking until what? 3 pm?”

Lexa rolled her eyes dismissively. “Noon and it was only the one time.”

“That’s not how I remember it,” Anya said wryly. “Your pancake is burning.” 

Lexa turned back to the stove, muttering something Clarke couldn’t quite catch under her breath, but she was pretty sure it was directed at Anya. They fell into easy banter as they finished making breakfast. It was a different side of Lexa than what Clarke was usually privy to. 

It struck Clarke that their depth of shared history and comfortable interactions reminded her of how Bellamy and Octavia were with each other. As far as she knew, Lexa and Anya weren’t actually related but they seemed more like sisters than friends. 

It made her wonder about Lexa’s family. Outside of a few cryptic comments about Indra, Lexa rarely talked about it. Clarke wasn’t quite sure if it was because Lexa didn’t trust her or if it was something related to pain that she seemed to carry with her. She wasn’t quite sure which option she preferred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not understand why never have I ever isn't a fanfic trope, because it's so great, so I guess I just have to write it into fics until it catches on


	3. Tapers

Clarke had to read the email three times before she fully grasped what it said. “Oh my god.”

Lexa looked up from the book she was reading, giving her a curious look.

“You know that series of illustrated poems I was doing?”

Lexa nodded.

“Well I put them up online, and this guy just emailed me saying he loved them and wants to commission a set of new ones as prints. For like, money.” 

“That’s excellent.” Lexa eyes shone with pride and that familiar feeling rose in Clarke’s chest. But she had too much else to think about to really consider it.

“Now I just have to hope that he’s for real, and set up a paypal probably, and figure out what I want my rate to be…” Clarke’s excitement gave way to anxiety at the thought of what this actually meant and all the possible ways it could go wrong.

Lexa gently pulled Clarke’s laptop out of her hands and set it aside.“Leave those problems for tomorrow, Clarke.”

“I don’t know, I have so many things to think about now, and I should probably at least respond to him tonight, and start planning, and -“ 

Lexa cut her off with a kiss. “I think we can find a way to distract you.”

Lexa shifted, swinging her leg over Clarke and settling in her lap. Clarke looped her arms around Lexa’s neck enjoying the feeling of her weight on her.

“You know, I’m probably going to have to be distracted all night long,” Clarke said, leaning in to catch Lexa’s lips again. The kiss was slow and gentle at first. Clarke enjoyed the soft and patient way Lexa’s mouth moved against hers and the feeling of her hands on her face.

Just as Clarke deepened the kiss and slid her hands under Lexa’s shirt, Lexa pulled back, getting up.

“Where are you going?” Clarke pouted.

Lexa offered her a hand up and lead her to the bathroom. “I seem to recall you saying something about never having had sex in the shower.”

“Is this your way of telling me I smell?” 

Lexa ignored her and started running the water. She lit the honeysuckle candle she kept on the ledge above the sink before stripping off her clothes and stepping into the tub. “Care to join me?”

Clarke had to admit that Lexa did make showering seem more appealing than usual. And it had been almost a week since she’d done more than wash her face and throw in some dry shampoo now that she thought about it. She followed Lexa into the shower, letting the warm water hit her.

Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke from behind, cupping her breast with one hand and letting the other drift down between Clarke’s legs. Clarke braced herself against Lexa’s body, grinding her hips against Lexa’s hand. 

Lexa laughed softly in Clarke’s ear. “See? Not so bad.” 

“I don’t know, I’m not quite convinced yet,” Clarke teased. 

Lexa turned her around and backed her up against the tiled wall, pressing their bodies together. 

“I can be quite convincing,” she said, voice husky. She kissed Clarke’s neck, sucking on her pulse point before continuing lower. Clarke moaned when Lexa pulled one of her nipples between her teeth, and again when she ground the heel of her hand against her, using two fingers to draw lazy circles around her clit. God she loved Lexa’s fingers.

Clarke tried to focus on the heat building between her legs as Lexa continued, settling into Clarke’s preferred pace. She really did try, but now that she was mostly out of the water she was cold, and it was hard to breathe through the steam, and the lip of the tub put her legs at an awkward angle and made her feel like she was slipping, and she just really could not focus.

“Alright stop.” Lexa stopped what she was doing and looked at her with an expression halfway between confused and concerned. “This just isn’t working for me. Can we continue this in the bedroom?”

“Of course. After I wash your hair.” 

“So this really was all about getting me to shower then,” Clarke said wryly. 

“It was about trying new things. And besides, washing someone’s hair is one of the purest forms of intimacy.” Lexa said it with a completely straight face, and Clarke couldn’t tell if she was being serious.

Clarke laughed. “You literally just had your fingers inside me and you’re saying that washing my hair is more intimate?”

“Yes, Clarke.”

“That may be the single dorkiest thing anyone has ever said.”

“Hand me the shampoo,” Lexa said, a raised eyebrow her only acknowledgment of Clarke’s comment.

Lexa hummed softly as she massaged Clarke’s scalp. Clarke found it much more relaxing than she had expected, and if not for the fact that she was standing up, she might have fallen asleep. 

Everything felt so very right in that moment. With the prospect of being paid for her art, and being with the girl she adored, it felt like things might finally be looking up for her. If showering was always this nice she just might do it more often.

* * *

 

“It’s just dinner. It’ll be fine,” Clarke reassured Lexa, who was fidgeting with her clothes. 

Lexa didn’t look convinced. “Dinner with your mother.” 

“And with everyone else, who you already know, so don’t worry so much. Besides, she’ll love you.” 

Clarke’s mom had been bugging her for weeks leading up to family dinner to invite Lexa. She had finally relented, mostly because she didn’t feel like fighting with her mom about it anymore. Her friends already gave her crap about not inviting Lexa to hang out with them enough, she didn’t need it from her mom too.

Family dinner on the last Sunday of the month was a tradition that dated back when she first started college. At first it had just been her and her parents, but it had slowly expanded to include Raven, and then the Blakes, and now Lincoln. 

Her dad used to say that he would honorarily adopt anyone with shitty parents. Since his death, family dinners hadn’t been as regular, and this was the first one in nearly six months, but her mom had insisted on having one because of Lincoln and Octavia’s engagement. 

Lexa looked skeptical, and it occurred to Clarke that she was nervous. She couldn’t blame her. It felt too early to do the whole meet the parents thing, but she was afraid that if she didn’t do it now, her mom would conveniently stop by for a visit one day at the behest of one of her friends. 

“Don’t worry, this is the first dinner since Lincoln and Octavia got engaged, so my mom will probably be focused on them.” Clarke’s phone buzzed. “Raven’s here, so it’s your last chance to back out.”

Lexa looked like she briefly considered it before schooling her face into a determined expression and following Clarke out. 

Clarke ended up wedged in-between Lexa and Octavia in the back seat of Raven’s car. She really hated sitting in the middle, but Lincoln got the front by default because he was the tallest and based on the looks Lexa and Octavia were giving each other, neither of them wanted to sit next to the other. That struck Clarke as odd, given that they had mostly been on good terms lately, but it was more than she wanted to deal with at the moment.

Clarke could feel Lexa getting tenser the closer they got, and by the time they pulled up outside her mom’s house she was sitting nearly perfectly straight.

“Relax, it’ll be fine.” Clarke ran her hands down Lexa’s arms, trying to get her to calm down, as everyone else headed inside. “Ready?”

Lexa took a deep breath, steeling herself. “Yes.”

They followed the others inside. Clarke’s mom greeted them at the door, hugging Clarke and then turning to Lexa. “You must be Lexa, it’s good to finally meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Griffin,” Lexa said stiffly, sticking out her hand the moment it looked like she might hug her as well.

“It’s Abby, I insist.” She shook Lexa’s hand, giving her a warm smile that Lexa didn’t reciprocate. “There’s beer and wine in the kitchen and dinner’s almost ready.”

“Thanks mom.” Clarke headed into the kitchen with Lexa in tow.

“See, that wasn’t so bad.” Clarke handed Lexa a glass of wine, hoping it would help her relax.

“I suppose not,” Lexa admitted. She still didn’t look happy about it, but it was something.

They found the others in the living room, where Abby was admiring Octavia’s ring and Raven was watching Bellamy and Marcus talk with suspicion. 

“Hey, there you guys are. I was starting to worry that you were hooking up in Clarke’s childhood bedroom.” Clarke just rolled her eyes at Raven, but Lexa turned red, her grip on her wine glass tightening noticeably. Raven ignored Lexa’s embarrassment and looked back at Marcus. “What’s he doing here?”

Clarke shrugged. “I think my mom mentioned something about spending more time with him lately, but I don’t really know. It’s not like we’re close.”

“Do you think they’re dating?” Raven asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Your thing about my mom is weird and gross.” Clarke shook her head at how ridiculous Raven was being. Raven knew that Abby and Marcus were friends, and besides, he’d been a regular at family events since her dad died.

Raven made a face. “I don’t understand how you can be so blasé about the fact that he might be banging your mom.”

“I hadn’t really considered that possibility until just now, so thanks for that visual.” Clarke took a long drink in an attempt to scrub that image from her brain, ignoring the amused look Raven gave her. 

Marcus noticed them for the first time and came over. He greeted Clarke with a quick hug. “It’s good to see you. How are you?”

“Oh you know, same old, same old. The most exciting thing lately was the switch to the fall collection at the store last month.” 

“Well that certainly sounds riveting.” He turned to Lexa, who was standing awkwardly next to her, wine untouched. “And you must be the girlfriend.”

She shook his hand and introduced herself. Clarke had rarely seen Lexa so awkwardly formal, especially in the last couple of months. It had seemed like she was finally letting her guard down, even with Clarke’s friends, and it stung to see her walls come back up.

Her mom rescued them from Marcus’ attempt at making small talk with Lexa by announcing that dinner was ready. They all crowded around the table but before they started eating Abby held up her glass. “To Octavia and Lincoln, the first of my kids to get married. If Jake were here he’d be so proud of you.” 

They all drank to that, and Clarke realized that for the first time that the thought of her dad hadn’t made her sad. 

Most of dinner was taken up with wedding plans. The date was set for March, so the actually planning was starting, which meant there was plenty to talk about. After a while though, her mom’s attention shifted to Lexa.

“So, Lexa, what do you do?” It was an innocent enough question but Clarke felt Lexa tense up next to her. Clarke put her hand on Lexa’s thigh and squeezed her leg reassuringly, trying to get her to relax.

“I’m in publishing.” That seemed to be all she was willing to say about it. Luckily, Lincoln took pity on her and jumped in.

“She’s being modest. She’s the head editor at an independent publishing house.” 

“Impressive at such a young age,” Marcus said, obviously trying to break the tension that Lexa was single handedly generating. “How did you two meet?”

“We met through Lincoln, actually. At his and Octavia’s housewarming,” Clarke said. It was technically true, and the full story was more involved than she felt like getting into. 

“Oh, you two know each other?” Abby asked, looking from Lincoln to Lexa.

“We went to high school together,” Lincoln said when Lexa just nodded in response. He thankfully then steered the conversation back to the wedding, rescuing them from further questions, although not before Clarke caught the disapproving look her mom was giving Lexa. 

She was frustrated by the way that Lexa seemed to close herself off whenever Clarke felt like they were making progress in their relationship. Not that she could really blame her for being uncomfortable around her mom, but she liked the soft, dorky, caring Lexa that she saw in private, and she wanted her family to see that version of her too. Not the stoic robot who had annoyed Clarke at work for a year.

After dinner Clarke helped her mom with the dishes while everyone else settled into the living room to talk.

“So, Lexa seems…nice.” Clarke cringed at the disingenuous tone in her mom’s voice, but she had to admire her mom’s restraint because it had taken her nearly five minutes to start in on what she knew she really wanted to talk about. 

“I swear she's not usually so awkward. She’s just nervous about meeting you. Next time will be better.” 

Clarke could tell that her mom wasn’t convinced. She was annoyed at the realization that her mom didn’t like Lexa, because it was so typical of her mom to not give whoever she was dating the benefit of the doubt. But, she had to admit that it was probably a fair assessment based on dinner alone. Lexa wasn’t great at first impressions. 

“You really like her, don’t you?” Abby asked, looking up from the dishes.

“Yeah, I do.” It was the truth, but it felt like it fell short of fully expressing her feelings. She hadn’t expected to fall so hard for the rude candle girl but here she was, six months into a relationship with her most annoying customer and completely out of her depth.

Her mom gave her a long look before turning back to the sink. “Just be careful, okay? Don’t let her break your heart.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say to that. Didn’t know how to say that it wasn’t her heart she was worried about. Didn’t know how to say that sometimes, when she caught Lexa looking at her, she saw so much love in her eyes, and it terrified her. Because only one other person had ever looked at her like that and she had pushed him away, just like she pushed everyone away eventually.

They finished the dishes in silence.

Later that night, when they were safely back in Lexa’s apartment and Clarke was collecting her things to head home, she caught Lexa looking at her in that same way, as if her heart was overflowing and she couldn’t contain it any longer. 

For a split second Clarke was terrified that she was going to say it. She wasn’t sure why she was scared of it, because she really shouldn’t be so afraid to be loved.

To her relief, Lexa looked away, a slightly abashed expression on her face. “I…I’m sorry about tonight. I guess I didn’t make a very good impression.”

Clarke couldn’t help but smile at that. “Don’t worry about it. There will be more dinners. And who care if my mom doesn’t like you?”

“Your mom doesn’t like me?” Lexa’s eyes widened in distress. 

“She just doesn’t know you yet. Give it time. She’ll come around.”

Lexa didn’t seem all that reassured. Clarke leaned up and kissed her, hoping she could convey just how little she cared about her mom’s opinion. Lexa melted against her, sliding her hands around Clarke and holding her gently.

“I should go. We both have to get up for work tomorrow,” Clarke said when they finally broke apart.

“Stay.” It was barely more than a whisper, more plea than question.

Clarke was tempted. She really was. But she was afraid that if she stayed she would never leave. 

That night Clarke lay in her bed, missing the warm weight of Lexa next to her, wishing she had stayed.

* * *

 

“Come with me to Thanksgiving at Indra’s.” 

The invitation took her by surprise. They were laying in bed on a lazy Sunday morning, Lexa curled up against Clarke’s side, head resting on her shoulder.

“Yeah, sure. Sound’s fun.” 

Lexa smiled, obviously relieved that Clarke had agreed. “You already know Anya and you’ve met Gustus, which just leaves Aden. Well, and Indra. You’ll love Aden.”

Seeing Lexa so obviously excited about the prospect of Clarke meeting her family was so far removed from how she usually was whenever the topic came up that Clarke didn’t know how to feel about it.

“Aden is…?”

“Aden is my little brother.”

“I didn’t now you had any siblings.” Clarke didn’t want to push, but now she was curious. Lexa had made cryptic references to Indra and her family before but she’d never mentioned a brother. 

“Not by blood. He’s Indra’s foster kid.”

“You were in the foster system?” Clarke hoped she wasn’t going to far, but if she was going to spend Thanksgiving with Lexa’s family she needed to have some idea what she was walking into.

“I wasn’t. Not really.” Clarke was afraid she was going to close off yet again, but after a moment, she took a breath and continued. “When I was sixteen I was outed to my parents, who were less than supportive, so I left. I stayed with Lincoln at first. Eventually, Indra found out, she was my history teacher, and she set it up so I could stay with her. So I lived with her for the rest of high school.”

“That’s horrible.” Her heart broke for what Lexa had been through. She may not have the best relationship with her own mom, but at least she had always been supportive. 

“There’s no use trying to change the past,” Lexa said flatly, as if that was all there was to say about it, but Clarke felt the way Lexa’s arms tightened around her waist.

“Where do Anya and Gustus fit into all of this?” 

Lexa was quiet for a moment, looking for words. “They are family too. After Costia died, I don’t thing Indra knew what to do with me. How to help. It was Anya and Gustus who really got me through the worst of it. They saved me.”

Clarke could see Lexa’s calm demeanor start to break. She blinked back tears and took a steadying breath, trying to regain her composure. Clarke had never seen her so starkly vulnerable before.

It struck Clarke just how much Lexa must trust her to tell her all of this. How much she must love her. That familiar feeling rose in her chest, filling her with adoration at the girl laying next to her in a room full of candles, trying her best not to cry. 

She wanted nothing more than to embrace that feeling. To reflect Lexa’s love back at her, and hope it could keep the pain at bay. But she remembered all the times people had trusted her with their hearts and she had let them down. Better to hold Lexa close, and pretend like that was enough.

* * *

 

Indra’s house was small but well kept, situated in a working class neighborhood that was almost the exact opposite of the well-to-do suburb where Clarke grew up. Clarke clutched the wine bottle she had brought tightly, more nervous than she had expected to be. She suddenly appreciated how Lexa felt at the family dinner the month before.

They were greeted by Gustus. He scooped Lexa into a hug, lifting her off the ground. Clarke had met him in passing at a couple of parties, but she had never really spoken to him. She also had not appreciated just how very large he was until he pulled her into a bone crushing hug. “Clarke, I’m glad you came.”

“I brought wine,” she replied, proffering the bottle. 

Before he could say anything, they were almost bowled over by a small figure who pushed past them and launched into Lexa’s arms. Lexa nimbly caught him and spun him around. 

“You are getting too big for that,” she told him, setting him down and giving him a hug. “Now, Aden, say hello to Clarke.”

“Hello, Clarke.” He looked about ten, too young for the serious way he carried himself, which was so similar to the way Lexa stood that Clarke had no trouble believing they were siblings. 

“Hi. It’s nice to meet you.” 

He nodded seriously before turning back to Lexa, badgering her with questions. Gustus laughed and turned to Clarke. “Come in. You can put the wine in the kitchen. There’s no use waiting for those two, he’s not going to let her be until dinner, and maybe not even then.”

He lead her into the small kitchen, where Anya was mashing potatoes. 

“I hope you brought something better than that swill you serve at parties,” she said when Clarke set the wine on the counter. She inspected the bottle and nodded approvingly. “I see that Lexa’s good taste has rubbed off on you at least.”

“I have great taste thank you very much. It’s Bellamy and Raven that have bad taste.” If Clarke was being honest, her taste in wine had improved since she met Lexa, but only because she was cheap and rarely bought wine herself, whereas Lexa always had a couple of relatively nice bottles around. 

Anya shrugged and returned to the potatoes. “Whatever you say.”

Clarke still couldn’t tell how Anya felt about her. She had narrowed it down to either vaguely amused or incredibly annoyed, but beyond that, she really had no idea.

“There you are.” Lexa found them in the kitchen. Aden followed close at her heel.“I should introduce you to Indra.” 

Clarke followed Lexa into the dining room, where an imposing woman she assumed was Indra was setting the table. “There you are Aden, finish the place settings, please.”

Aden took over from her, and she came over to greet them. “I can’t get him to do anything when you’re around. He follows you around like a duckling and neglects everything else.”

Lexa smiled warmly, but raised an eyebrow. “You say that every time, but then you complain that I don’t come home enough.”

“You’re a good influence on him, you should be around more. Maybe then he won’t be so distracted every time he sees you.” Indra looked at Clarke, before addressing Lexa once again. “Now, are you going to introduce me to your girlfriend or not?”

Lexa looked more amused by the slight chastisement than anything, but she proceeded to introduce them.

Clarke shook Indra’s hand, trying very hard not to wilt under her intense stare. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

Indra nodded in response, and Clarke felt like she was being judged and found wanting. “Now, you two, go help Anya finish in the kitchen.”

Clarke gladly followed Lexa back into the relatively friendly atmosphere of the kitchen. 

“Is she always so intense?”

“That was practically warm for Indra,” Lexa responded as she began chopping vegetables for the salad Anya was assembling. 

“Well I see where you get it from then.” Clarke took the glass of wine Gustus offered her. She would have helped with the food, but it seemed like Anya and Lexa had it under control and she didn’t want to be in the way. 

“Get what from?”

“Your whole humorless asshole routine.” Gustus looked amused at that, but Lexa didn’t dignify it with a response.

“That’s not as intentional as you think,” Anya said. “She’s just fucking awkward, especially around pretty girls.”

Clarke laughed, feeling herself start to relax. “It’s good to know you think I’m pretty, at least.”

Lexa was facing away from her, but she could still see the tips of her ears turn pink. “Of course I think you’re pretty, Clarke.”

“I think you’re pretty too.” Clarke hadn’t noticed Aden come in, but the seriousness of his tone made everyone dissolve into laughter.

Dinner itself was a much more subdued affair than Clarke was accustomed to. Indra presided over the conversation, which was warm, but consisted of almost no vicious mocking, a standard at Griffin family holidays. Or really at any event that both Raven and Octavia were at. 

Lexa was different around her family, much more relaxed and open. Clarke saw flashes of this Lexa when they were alone, but that wasn’t the same as seeing her trade sarcastic jabs with Anya or playfully ruffle Aden’s hair. 

Eventually Indra turned her attention to Clarke. “Tell us about yourself, Clarke.” 

She wasn’t quite sure how to respond to such an open ended question, but she found herself desperately wanting Indra’s approval. 

“I’d like to think of myself as an illustrator, but for now I sell candles for a living.” She could have sworn something like amusement flashed across Indra’s face, although it was gone so fast she wondered if she had imagined it.

“It seems our girl has finally found someone who combines both her passions in life: pretty girls and candles,” Gustus said with amusement. 

“That’s a little bit dramatic.” Lexa said dryly, although she didn’t bother to deny it.

“What’s dramatic is the sheer number of candles you keep around. You’re going to burn the place down eventually,” Anya shot back. “How many are you up to now? A round two dozen?”

“Thirty-four if you count tea lights and votives,” Clarke put in. “But more like eighteen otherwise. And those are just the ones she burns regularly.”

Even Indra cracked a smile at that, and Lexa gave Clarke a betrayed look. “I can’t believe you counted.”

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” Clarke reached for Lexa’s hand under the table, interlacing their fingers. Lexa huffed and rolled her eyes, but she squeezed Clarke’s hand and Clarke couldn’t help but smile. 

They sat for a long time after everyone had finished eating, but eventually Anya and Gustus started clearing away the remnants of dinner. 

Indra looked at Aden, who at some point had climbed onto Lexa’s lap. “It’s bed for you, young man.”

He looked like he wanted to argue, but he couldn’t contain a yawn. Lexa patted his head affectionately. “Come on, I’ll tell you a story”

“I’m too old for stories,” he protested, sliding down off her lap. 

“Alright then. Goodnight.” She made to turn back to Clarke and Indra, but before she could, Aden grabbed her hand. 

“Maybe one story.” Lexa obligingly let him pull her away from the table and they disappeared into the back of the house. 

Clarke hadn’t really thought about Lexa and kids before, or at least, she hadn’t let herself think about it. Lately when she pictured the future, all she saw was Lexa, and after seeing how good Lexa was with Aden, that future was quickly expanding to include kids. 

She panicked a little at that thought, because it was not something she was at all ready to think about. She was barely a self sufficient adult. Even the idea of children someday was more than she could handle. 

She was startled out of her reverie by Indra’s piercing look. “I hope you are as serious about her as she is about you.”

“What do you mean?” 

“I’m fairly certain you are smarter than that.” Indra was right. Clarke had a fairly good idea of what this was about, but she got the sense that guessing wrong would be worse than ignorance in this case so she stayed silent. “Do you know that you’re the first girl she’s brought home in ten years?”

That surprised Clarke. She knew that Lexa had dated, as she occasionally referenced past girlfriends, but she had no idea that she was the first to meet her family. She knew Lexa was serious about their relationship, but she had no idea that she was that serious. 

“Are we really going to do the whole ‘if you hurt her I’ll kill you’ thing?” Clarke realized that this was not the time for sarcasm, but she was suddenly very uncomfortable with where this conversation was going. 

The look Indra gave her ended any further attempts at humor. “How much do you know about Costia?” 

The question caught Clarke off guard. She didn’t know what she expected, but it definitely wasn’t that. “Not much, to be honest. Just that she died when they were in high school. Lexa doesn’t like to talk about her.”

“After she lost Costia, it took her a long time to put herself back together, and she’s never quite been the same.” Indra’s look softened, and it struck Clarke just how much Indra cared for Lexa. “I don’t think she will survive having her heart broken again. She is strong, but not that strong.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“So you know what you are getting yourself into.”

Clarke nodded, unsure what to say. Unsure what to feel. It was nothing she hadn’t already mostly put together herself, but there was something about having someone else say it that made it more real. 

Before she had time to think about it, Gustus came back into the dining room, carrying a bottle of whiskey. Anya followed with a set of shot glasses. 

“I think that’s my cue to leave the rest of the evening to you young people,” Indra said, getting up. “It was nice to meet you, Clarke.”

She left, and Anya started pouring the whiskey. “Where did Lexa disappear to? I don’t want to have to wait all night for her.”

“She went to put Aden to bed,” Clarke answered, eyeing the glass Anya set in front of her with hesitation. She had to be at work early tomorrow for Black Friday, and she hated whiskey. But she got the distinct feeling that this was non negotiable. 

“She spoils that boy,” Gustus said, accepting the glass Anya handed him. 

“He really adores her doesn’t he?” 

“He wants to be her.” Gustus smiled warmly. “You better be careful though, from the way he was looking at you, he’s either going to try to kill you for stealing her or try to steal you away from her.”

They all laughed at that. 

Lexa rejoined them, sitting down and pulling the last glass of whiskey towards her. “Do I want to know what’s funny?”

“They think Aden is going to try and steal me from you.” 

“Probably. He already asked if I would be willing to share you.” 

“I hope you said no.” 

Lexa just shrugged, giving her a wry smile.

“You never could say no to him,” Anya said, picking up her glass. Gustus and Lexa followed suit,raising their glasses as if to toast. Clarke mirrored their actions, feeling like she was intruding on something private.

The toast she was expecting never came. Instead they just raised their glasses and wordlessly took their shots. The whiskey burned her throat and she did her best not to cough, but she felt herself grimace involuntarily. She could do shots with the best of them, but she really hated whiskey. 

Once they had completed their silent ritual by putting their glasses down on the table upside down Lexa turned to her. “I’m impressed. You usually refuse to drink whiskey.”

“That’s because I hate it, but apparently I will make exceptions for weird family traditions.”

“Well you did better than this one the first time we gave her whiskey,” Anya said. “She choked and it ended up coming out her nose.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at that image.

“I was sixteen,” Lexa defended, but Anya didn’t seem convinced.

They went back and forth for a while, and Clarke soon found herself dozing off against Lexa’s shoulder. 

The drive back to Lexa’s was comfortably quiet, and Clarke found herself thinking about what Indra had said, unsure of what it all meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And lo! a wild backstory appears!
> 
> and if you're wondering, yes there is a brooklyn nine-nine reference in this chapter because, why not?


	4. Votives

“I think I’m dead. Black Friday has killed me,” she said, falling heavily on Lexa’s couch after work. “Although I apparently work at Bath & Body Works and didn’t realize it.”

Lexa shook her head. “Don’t be ridiculous. Bath & Body Works sells inferior candles.”

“Tell that to all the people who brought in their 30% off candles coupons and then got mad when we didn’t honor them. Or the woman who spent thirty minutes yelling at me because we don’t carry the winter candy apple scent.” 

Clarke shuddered at the memory of being cursed out by the customer who had insisted that she was lying and that she should check the back for a candle that they didn’t sell. She had tried to explain that they couldn’t sell it because they were not, in fact, Bath & Body Works, but the woman hadn’t believed her. She ended up having to offer her 50% off a candle of her choice just to get her to leave. 

Lexa got up from the chair where she had been reading and joined Clarke on the couch. “Those people have horrible taste.”

“You’re such a candle snob.” Clarke leaned in, and Lexa wrapped her arm around her, her hand tracing idle patterns against Clarke’s shoulder. “I know we were going to go out tonight, but can we just, like, stay in and watch a movie or something? I’m exhausted.”

“Of course, what do you want to watch?”

“You pick, I don’t want to have to think about anything for a while.”

“Well I was watching the Ken Burns documentary about baseball this afternoon so we could watch that. I just got to the episode about the 1910s, so it should be interesting.” Clarke could tell Lexa was teasing her, but she groaned anyways.

“Do you want me to fall asleep?”

“I don’t understand how you don’t find the dead-ball era fascinating,” Lexa deadpanned.

Clarke rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help but smile. “Okay, you dork, I’ll pick.”

They ended up watching a fairly generic romcom, and Clarke fell asleep halfway through anyways. She woke up with her head in Lexa’s lap. The movie was muted and Lexa was gently carding her hand through Clarke’s hair, humming softly to herself. 

“Hey there, sleepy,” Lexa said softy when Clarke opened her eyes. “Why don’t we go to bed?”

“Or we could just stay like this.” Lexa’s hands in her hair felt amazing, and Clarke didn’t want to move.

“We could. But the bed is more comfortable.”

“For you maybe.”

Lexa smiled down at her. She had that look on her face again. That look that said she was so in love that she could barely stand it. That she would follow Clarke to the moon and back without ever asking why.

Panic rose in Clarke’s chest. She couldn’t do this. Couldn’t let Lexa keep loving her. She didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve someone so pure and good.

Indra was right to be afraid that she’d break Lexa’s heart. She broke everyone’s heart eventually. She pushed people away as soon as things got too real. Finn had once told her that she didn’t really know how to love, and he was right. All she ever did was hurt people, so why would this time be any different?

She sat up, turning to face Lexa, who started at her sudden movement. “Actually, can we talk?”

“Of course.” Lexa furrowed her brow in confusion at the sudden shift in tone. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes…No…I don’t know.” Lexa looked at her with concern. She ran a hand through her hair, searching for words, unsure of what she was trying to say. “It’s just, it feels like we’ve been moving really fast lately, and…I don’t know…I kind of want some some space.”

She could see the question in Lexa’s eyes. She hated herself for having to do this. She swallowed hard, continuing on.

“I think we should take a break…I want to take a break.”

She was used to being able to read Lexa, but now she was completely blank. Clarke hated not being able to tell what she was thinking, but she supposed she deserved it. When Lexa finally spoke, her voice was tight, but even. “You’re breaking up with me.”

“I…I guess I am.” She couldn’t bear to look at Lexa, afraid of what she would see. 

“Why, Clarke?” The question was so raw, so full of confusion and pain and sadness it broke Clarke’s heart. She didn’t know what was worse, hearing the heartbreak in Lexa’s voice or knowing that she had caused it. “I thought we were…I thought things were going well.” 

Clarke wished things were different. Wished she was different. 

“You’re in love with me, and I’m not…I don’t love you.” It was a lie. As soon as she said it she knew it wasn’t true, but there was no going back now. She hoped it would make things easier for Lexa. Give her some sort of closure eventually. 

She heard the breath catch in Lexa’s throat, saw the tears shining in her eyes. She looked like she was fighting to hold herself together. 

Clarke had never hated herself more.

“I should go.” Lexa didn’t say anything and Clarke didn’t look back.

* * *

 

She went straight to the kitchen when she got home, pulling out a bottle of vodka. She didn’t bother with a glass.

Raven looked up from where she was sprawled across the couch when Clarke sat down heavily beside her. 

“Was working Black Friday really that bad?” Raven asked when she saw the bottle in Clarke’s hand. “I’m surprised you’re home. I thought you’d be at Lexa’s.” 

Raven’s expression shifted from amusement to concern when Clarke shook her head and took a long pull of vodka straight from the bottle. “Is everything okay?”

“What’s wrong with me, Raven? Why can’t I be happy?” She took another drink, wondering just how she had managed to fuck her life up this badly in the space of about twenty minutes. 

Raven pushed herself up from the couch, worry etched on her face. “What happened?”

“I broke up with Lexa.” She said it dispassionately, which made her feel even more like a horrible person. She had broken the heart of the best person she knew and she was talking about it as if she had spent the afternoon in the park. She took another drink, hoping the vodka would make her feel something.

“Just what would possess you to do something like that?” Raven said softly, sitting up and gently taking the bottle from her.

Clarke shook her head, unsure how to describe her own thought process. “I always end up hurting the people I care about. I push everyone away eventually. And I couldn’t do that to her. I was just going to break her heart eventually, so better to get it over with now, before things got more serious.”

“So, just to be clear, you freaked out and broke up with her to prevent yourself from freaking out and breaking up with her in the future?” Raven asked skeptically. 

She knew it sounded crazy, but she couldn’t really explain it. “She’s in love with me, and I don’t really know how to love her back. She deserves better than that.”

Raven shook her head. “Anyone can see that you love her. Stop being so hard on yourself.”

“I was just going to push her away eventually, like I do with everyone.”

“That’s not true. There are plenty of people who love you who you haven’t pushed away. I’m still here. Octavia’s still here. Hell, even Bellamy loves you and cares about you.”

Clarke didn’t want to argue with Raven about this. She just wanted to feel bad for herself and drink until she could feel something again. But she couldn’t fault her friend for trying to be supportive, even if she obviously didn’t get it. 

“Wells left. Finn left. I have barely spoken to my mom about anything real for years. You and I didn’t talk for a good year after Finn and I started dating.” When she really thought about it, it was kind of amazing she had any friends left at all. “He was right. I don’t know how to love people the way they deserve.” 

Raven looked at her like she was crazy. And maybe she was. Didn’t they say the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

“Is this about Finn? He was an idiot who cheated on you after your dad died. Stop letting him have so much power over you. Besides, you’re way more in love with Lexa than you ever were with him.”

She wished she could believe that. But if she did it meant that she had thrown away the best thing in her life for nothing. “Look, it’s done okay?”

Thankfully Raven let it drop. “Do you want to get really drunk and cry about it?”

“That was the plan until you took the vodka away from me,” Clarke complained.

“I’ll give it back on the condition that you don’t drink it straight from the bottle and die of alcohol poisoning.” 

“Fine,” she conceded, getting up to go find a glass and a mixer. She could feel the vodka she’d already had eating away at the numbness that had settled over her, and she felt the sadness and guilt start to creep in. It felt overdramatic to say that she was heartbroken, especially since it was her fault, but it was closer to the truth than she wanted to admit.

* * *

 

Clarke didn’t actually want to go out for New Years, but her friends had insisted she come along. She had to admit that going out would probably be good for her, given she would take any distraction she could find to keep herself from thinking about Lexa. 

It was easy enough between the holiday rush at the store and wedding planning with Octavia. She probably didn’t need to help out as much with the wedding plans as she was, but Octavia took pity on her and let her help. It didn’t hurt that Octavia hated the whole process and if it were left up to her, she’d probably elope just so she didn’t have to deal with it.

She hoped it would get better, that thinking about Lexa would hurt less, but it had been a month and there was still a physical ache in her chest. As long as she was busy she was okay, but as soon as things got quiet she missed Lexa so much it was like she had torn out a piece of her heart. And maybe she had. 

The truth was that a part of her didn’t want the pain to go away, because she deserved to feel like this. She had made her bed and now she had to sleep in it, alone, without the person she most wanted to be with. She kept telling herself it was for the best, hoping that one of these days she would believe it. 

So she let her friends drag her out to a shitty club for New Years, because alcohol and dancing sounded better than sitting at home brooding. And so far, they had been. She was actually enjoying herself for what felt like the first time in forever.

She left Octavia grinding on Lincoln like a horny teenager and Raven dancing with Bellamy and went to the bar for a fresh drink. Once she got her drink, she turned around to head back to her friends when she ran directly into a girl standing at the bar, spilling her drink on the girl’s dress. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” She looked around for napkins, but didn’t find anything. 

“Don’t worry about it,” the girl said, wiping the excess liquid off herself. 

“Let me at least buy you a drink or something to make up for it,” Clarke insisted, embarrassed. 

The girl cocked her head, looking Clarke up and down. She was cute, with dark hair that fell in loose waves and high cheekbones. “Do you wanna dance?” 

“Sure.” The girl lead her out onto the dance floor, and for a brief moment she wondered if this was a good idea, but just wanted to have fun. Before she could think about it, the music kicked in and she let herself be swept away by the atmosphere of the club and the haze of alcohol.

The girl was a good dancer, and after a couple of songs, she closed the gap between them, settling her hands on Clarke’s hips. Clarke let her pull her closer, enjoying the feeling of their bodies pressed together. She let herself get lost in the rhythm of their movement, trying not to think about who she would rather be dancing with. 

The girl leaned in and kissed her. It was the kind of kiss that promised dirty, anonymous sex devoid of any sort of emotion. Clarke leaned into it, rolling her hips into the girl’s thigh in time to the music, desperate for any friction she could find.

The angle was wrong, because she was a couple inches shorter than Clarke, and the way her hands moved down Clarke’s back was more presumptuous than she normally liked, but she promised an escape from feeling for a little while at least, and Clarke was tired of feeling.

Clarke was breathing heavily by the time they broke apart, and she let the girl take her hand and lead her off the dance floor. Right before they got to the stairs leading down to the bathrooms, Octavia appeared, stepping in between them. 

“We’re leaving,” she said, pulling Clarke away. She tried to push past Octavia, angry that she was stopping her from having a little harmless fun, but Octavia was like a brick wall when she wanted to be. 

“What the hell?” Clarke demanded once Octavia had pushed her out the door to where the rest of their group was waiting. “What was that about?”

“I’m not going to let you fuck some random chick in a bar bathroom and then listen to you complain about how much you regret it tomorrow.”

“If you haven’t noticed, I’m an adult who doesn’t need you making decisions for me. If I want to fuck someone in a bar bathroom, I’ll damn well fuck someone in a bar bathroom.” Her friends exchanged awkward looks, and she realized she was yelling. But she was sick and tired of Octavia acting like she knew what was best for her.

“Well, as your best friend it’s my job to keep you from making anymore bad decisions, because lately you can’t really be trusted to not be an idiot.” Octavia crossed her arms, giving Clarke a stubborn look.

“Funny, because I don’t remember making you arbiter of who I sleep with.” It was bitchier that she really had any right being, given that Octavia had put up with her moping for the last month, but she was tired and horny and more than a little bit drunk.

“If you want to sleep with Lexa so damn much Clarke, just sleep with Lexa. Don’t hook up with strangers in bars who just happen to sort of look like her.” 

That one hit way too close to home.

Clarke deflated, her anger draining away, replaced with the ever present ache that had taken up residence in her chest. All she wanted was a little bit of catharsis, five minutes where she could forget how much she hated herself, but instead she was yelling at her friend in the street like a lunatic.

“Fine, let’s go home.” She sighed, accepting her coat from Bellamy, who had claimed it from the coat check at some point. They weren’t that far from Clarke and Raven’s place, but it was well past midnight and the January night was cold.

She found herself walking next to Octavia, a ways back from the rest of the group. As much as she hated to admit that Octavia was right, she was.She would have regretted hooking up with that girl. It felt too much like betraying Lexa.

“Why am I like this, O?” 

“Why are you a stubborn idiot who refuses to admit that you broke up with the love of your life for some bullshit reason?” Clarke nodded. That wasn’t how she would have put it, but Octavia wasn’t wrong. “No idea. But you’re allowed to be happy, Clarke. I’m not sure why you think you don’t deserve it, but you do. Lexa was good for you. Don’t throw that away for nothing.”

“It’s too late for that.” 

“If you really believe that you’re a bigger idiot than I thought.” 

Clarke really wanted to believe her, but the damage was done. She had made her choices and now she had to live with them.

* * *

 

She didn’t realized what a bright spot in her week Lexa’s visits to the shop had been until they stopped. She found herself wondering about where Lexa was getting her candles. Was she letting the ones she had run out, or was she buying inferior Bath & Body Works candles? Had she found another artisanal candle store to shop at? Maybe with another clerk to annoy? 

“I highly doubt that,” Bellamy said, when she detailed her concerns about the state of Lexa’s candles to him at the bar that Friday. Octavia and Lincoln had gone to watch Raven hustle a tall blonde man who had made the mistake of saying that he was great at pool, leaving Clarke and Bellamy to keep their table. “I don’t think there are any other artisanal candle stores in the city.”

“There’s Flamekeeper over on Broadway. Their owner’s a dick, but I think I remember Lexa saying that she likes their selection once. And the girl who works there is cute. They’re probably flirting right now.”

Bellamy shook his head. “Something tells me she’s not flirting with the girl who works at the other candle store, but so what if she is? You broke up with her, you don’t get to be jealous.”

He was right. It was nothing she hadn’t told herself a thousand times, but it didn’t make it any easier.

She could tell that her friends were fed up with her moping, and she really was trying to not make everything about Lexa,but she hated that she didn’t know how Lexa was doing. She was occasionally tempted to ask Lincoln, but she knew he wouldn't tell her anything. And she wasn’t in any position to ask, after all.

“I just want to know if she’s okay.”

Bellamy gave her a long look from behind his beer. “Stop torturing yourself, Clarke. Either make up or move on.”

“She probably hates me.” Clarke put her face in her hands, hating that she had become the girl who was obsessed with her ex. “I fucked everything up. Just like I always do. And she just let me walk out of her life.”

“The way I see it, if she didn’t fight for you, maybe she didn’t really want you to stay.” 

That was more than she could bear. How could she possibly explain that it wasn’t that Lexa didn’t want her to stay, it was that Lexa never pushed. Never asked for more than Clarke could give. Never asked for anything really. All she had asked for was Clarke’s heart, and Clarke wanted nothing more than to give it to her, but there was nothing there to give. 

“She thinks I don’t love her, Bell. She thinks I don’t love her so she let me leave.”

Bellamy reached over and patted her arm sympathetically. Sometimes it felt like he was the only one of her friends who wasn’t trying to fix her and she loved him for it. 

Before he could say anything, Raven came back to the table with a fresh round of drinks, looking particularly pleased with herself. “Courtesy of that asshole I just schooled at pool.” 

“So you gave him your number then?” Clarke teased, as Octavia and Lincoln joined them.

“And why would I do that? He’s an asshole who thinks he’s hot shit. I don’t need that in my life.”

Everyone laughed at the sheer irony of that.

“Anyone who is willing to pay up in drinks for all of your friends after you beat them at pool while mocking them incessantly the entire time can’t be that bad,” Lincoln said. 

“I didn’t mock him incessantly. Only when he deserved it, which was most of the time,” Raven defended, obviously enjoying herself. 

Octavia gave her a skeptical look. “You called him Wick the Dick the entire time.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll give him my number,” Raven conceded, getting up.

They laughed at how ridiculous Raven was being. Watching her friends’ antics made Clarke miss Lexa all the more. She wished Lexa were there to roll her eyes at Raven’s dramatics, or shoot an occasional judgmental look at Bellamy when he ordered $2 beer, or gently tease Lincoln. But missing her wouldn’t fix things. Wouldn’t make her the person Lexa deserved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sincerely sorry about this one. But our girl Clarke is an idiot who's is a huge fan of running away from her feelings so


	5. Sanctuary Light

“Is it weird to put your mom and Marcus at the same table as Lincoln’s parents?” Octavia asked, examining the seating chart. 

“It’s either that or sit them with Lincoln’s extended family, which I would argue is weirder.” Clarke sat on Octavia’s floor, placing tiny flags with people’s names on the seating chart whenever Octavia rearranged it for what felt like the hundredth time. 

“We could always put them with Indra.” 

“That sounds like a terrible idea. I can guarantee that my mom and Indra won’t get along.” Clarke shuddered at the thought. “Stop worrying so much, it looks good.” 

Octavia sighed, conceding the point. “Fine, what’s next on the list.”

Clarke dug through the papers scattered around her on the floor looking for the list. “Addressing and mailing the invitations. Dude, invitations should have gone out like two weeks ago.”

“I know, I know. But the printer fucked up so we just got them like two days ago.” Octavia looked more than a little panicked. “Shit, I forgot to buy stamps.”

“Just pick some up tomorrow. We can address everything now and you can mail them on Monday,” Clarke suggested. 

“No, they really need to go out today. I’ll go pick some up. You and Lincoln can get started addressing them.”

Lincoln looked up from where he was reading over the guest list. “You sure? I can buy them.”

“You have nicer handwriting than I do.” Octavia waved him off, already on her way out the door.

Clarke grabbed the box of invitations and joined Lincoln at the table. He handed her half the guest list, but before they could get started, he considered her for a long moment. “We should talk.”

“About what?” She really had no idea what had prompted this, because Lincoln wasn’t the type to sit someone down for a conversation. 

“You need to get your shit with Lexa sorted out before the wedding.” 

That took her by surprise. Lincoln was the only one of her friends who hadn’t weighed in on her break up yet, but she had figured it was because of his loyalty to Lexa. That and that he was generally too nice to butt into other people’s business. 

“There is no shit to sort out.” She shrugged it off, hoping Lincoln would let it drop.

“You’re in the wedding, and so is she, and I will not have you two giving each other sad looks the entire time and ruining what is supposed to be the best day of my life.”

Clarke had completely forgotten that Lexa was also in the wedding, because she was standing up for Lincoln, and Nyko was in charge of the groomsmen. She had mostly survived the thought of having to see Lexa at the wedding by assuming they wouldn’t have to interact much because Clarke would be busy with the wedding party.

“We’re adults, I think we can handle it.” 

The truth was that Clarke was panicking a little bit at the realization that she would have to interact with Lexa. It was the only thing she had wanted for the past two months, but now she was confronted with the very real possibility of seeing her for the first time since their break up at her best friend’s wedding, which terrified her.

Lincoln obviously didn’t believe her. “Given that neither of you are handling it pretty much at all, forgive me for being skeptical.”

“What do you want me to do about it, Lincoln? I don’t think she wants to talk to me.”

Lincoln shook his head. “You really don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what?” 

“She’ll wait for you for as long as it takes for you to figure out whatever it is you need to figure out, but don’t make her wait forever.” 

That hit Clarke hard. It was basically the same thing everyone had been telling her for the past two months, but it was different coming from Lincoln. Maybe it was because he almost never commented on her personal life, or maybe it was because of his relationship with Lexa, but whatever the reason, it made her think that maybe she really could fix things. 

She was tired of letting herself be ruled by fear. The worst had already happened, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to let it happen again. 

Clarke made a decision.

“Where are you going?” Lincoln asked when she got up and headed for the door.

“To sort out my shit.”

She found herself knocking on Lexa’s door before she had a chance to think about what she was doing, but then again, thinking was what had gotten her into this mess, so maybe it was for the best. It struck her that this was not the first time she had stood at Lexa’s door, hoping that it would open and praying that it wouldn’t.

The door stayed closed, and after a couple of minutes it was clear that Lexa wasn’t home. Which, when Clarke thought about it, made sense because it was 4 pm on a Saturday afternoon, so Lexa was probably out for a run. 

Clarke had a bad idea. A very bad, very inappropriate idea. But fuck it, she was here and she wasn’t leaving until she had said her piece.

She still had the key Lexa had given her. She hadn’t had an opportunity to return it, and she hadn’t had the heart to remove it from her keyring. So it was still there nestled between her mail key and her building key, a heart drawn in sharpie on it, so she knew which one it was. 

She let herself in, and was relieved to find that Lexa was indeed gone. Now she just had to wait for her to come back. She had too much restless energy to sit, so she paced, inspecting the room. Nothing had changed in the past two months. There was no indication that Clarke had come and gone from Lexa’s life.

She was inspecting the candles on the mantle to see if Lexa had indeed switched to shopping at Flamekeeper when a something caught her eye. Tucked behind a votive she had never seen Lexa burn were a pair photos. She pulled them out gingerly, curious.

One was the picture of Lexa and Costia she had found in the book all those months ago. The other was a picture she hadn’t seen before. It looked like it had been taken the night of Octavia and Lincoln’s engagement party, although Clarke couldn’t remember anyone taking pictures that night. It showed her and Lexa, sitting on the floor. Clarke’s head was on Lexa’s shoulder and she looked like she might be asleep. Lexa was turned towards her, looking at her like she couldn’t believe her luck. 

She didn’t want to think about what it meant that Lexa had kept these two particular pictures together.

All of the sudden being in Lexa’s apartment felt like a very bad idea. Lexa respected her enough to never once ask her to change her mind, and here Clarke was, invading her space and her privacy like a creep. 

She put the pictures back and made up her mind to leave. She opened the door to find a very surprised looking Lexa standing on the other side holding her keys.

“Clarke. What are you doing here?” Lexa’s startled expression quickly turned cold, and frankly Clarke couldn’t blame her. After all, she had just been caught basically breaking into her apartment.

She cast about for something that didn’t sound crazy, and the fact that Lexa was wearing very tight running clothes was not helping. She settled on the truth, as the least insane option. “I came over hoping that we could talk, but you weren't home, so I decided to let myself in and wait for you…Sorry. I’ll just go.”

Clarke stepped back from the door, letting Lexa in.

“You broke into my apartment to talk. Why am I surprised?” 

“Well to be fair I didn’t break in. I still have your key.” Lexa didn’t seem to think it was cute or charming like she had hoped, and her resolve was fading in the face of Lexa’s glare. “But yes, I want to talk.”

“It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” 

The biting sarcasm in Lexa’s voice stung, but she plunged on, needing to say what she had come here to say before she lost her nerve or got kicked out.

“I lied. When I told you I didn’t love you, I lied.” 

Lexa inhaled sharply, working her jaw in an attempt to maintain her composure. When she finally spoke her voice was full of barely contained anger. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’m an idiot, and I really fucked up.” Clarke ran a hand through her hair, looking for words. “I have a tendency to run away, when things get, I don’t know, too real I guess. I was afraid I was going to hurt you. But I realize now I was just afraid of my own feelings, and running away was easier than admitting that I love you…And I do. Love you, I mean.”

Lexa took a moment to process what she said, before laughing humorlessly. “You broke up with me to keep from hurting me?” 

The look she gave Clarke was so full of sadness that it nearly broke her heart in two. She hated that she was the cause of it. That she had brought Lexa so much pain. If anyone deserved happiness it was Lexa.

“I’m sorry.” She knew it wasn’t enough, that it didn’t make up for the pain she had caused, that it didn’t even begin to make things better. “I know you have no reason to trust me, but please believe me when I say that I’m done running. I’m in a hundred percent, if you’ll have me back.” 

“We’ve been here before, Clarke.”Lexa looked up at the ceiling, her expression conflicted. Clarke couldn’t blame her, not really, because really it was too little, too late. “I don’t want to live my life in fear that you’ll run away every time things get difficult.”

It was fair. And Clarke didn’t have a good answer for her. “I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that I’ll stay, if I have to.”

Lexa looked at her, her expression guarded. “I need some time to think about it.”

Coming from anyone else it would have felt like an evasion. A way to say no without actually saying no, but Clarke believed Lexa when she said she would think about it. Not that it made it any easier to hear. 

She was an idiot for ever thinking this would work. That all she had to do was tell Lexa she was sorry and they would what? Fall into bed like nothing had ever happened? Cue happily ever after?

She had no right to expect anything from Lexa, but she still had, and now she was standing in Lexa’s living room, trying to hold back tears because she had ruined the best thing in her life. Again.

“Yeah, okay,” she said, fighting to keep her voice even. “Just, uh, don’t be a stranger. If you need candles or anything, you’re always welcome at the store.”

Lexa gave her a sad smile and shook her head. 

Clarke left, hating that she was walking away yet again. She had tried at least. If nothing else, it would get her friends off her back.

* * *

 

It was a slow Tuesday afternoon and Clarke was checking the stock to set the orders for the next month, a tedious and annoying task that she hated and almost always put off until the very last minute, which happened to be that day.

“Are you back here, boss?” Jasper stuck his head into the back room, startling her and making her lose count. Again.

“Dammit, Jasper, I lost count.” She stood up from where she had been digging through the votives, to find Jasper standing in the doorway looking nervous. “What is it?”

“There’s someone here to see you.” 

The way he phrased it struck her as odd. People didn’t usually specifically ask to see her. Talk to the manager maybe, but not her specifically. “Who is it?”

“Just a customer.” He left before she could question him further. She followed him out, confused by the whole exchange.

She was surprised to find Lexa studying the soap display. She looked up when Clarke came over. “We should talk.” 

She seemed uncharacteristically nervous, picking up the display soap and turning over in her hands. It would have been endearing if Clarke wasn’t suddenly overcome with anxiety. 

It had been a week and a half since she had asked Lexa to take her back, and the longer she went without hearing anything from Lexa, the more she convinced herself that the answer was no. And now Lexa had come to her job to tell her that in person. She knew Lexa was upset, but this just seemed cruel.

“Yeah sure, come on back.” Clarke pointed Lexa through to the back office. She looked at Jasper who had retreated to behind the register, making a point to look anywhere but at them. Thankfully the store was otherwise empty. 

“Can we just pretend like this isn’t happening?” She asked him, hoping that their friendship would count for something and he would cut her some slack for how deeply unprofessional she was being.

“I want weekends off for the next month and a raise.”

“I’ll give you this Friday off and give you priority on every federal holiday that pays time and a half for the next six months.”

He considered it for far too long, before eventually agreeing. “Sounds good, boss. There is definitely nothing happening in the office right now, and if anyone asks you’re on your break.” 

“Thanks Jasper, you're a star.”

He gave her a mock salute as she retreated to the office. 

Lexa stood awkwardly in the middle of the small office, examining one of the candles sitting on the desk. “This is a new scent.”

“Uh, yeah. It’s from the new spring collection.” Clarke wasn’t sure what to say. Making casual small talk with Lexa made her realize just how much she missed her, but she knew it was just putting off the inevitable. “You wanted to talk?”

“Yes.” Clarke braced herself for what she knew was coming. “I thought about what you said. You were right. I love you, and I don’t want to have to live without you. If you’re in, then so am I.”

“Oh.” Clarke wasn’t expecting that. It was maybe the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to her, but it was undercut by the fact they were standing in a cramped office in the store where she worked. At least they were surrounded by candles, even if they were unlit.

Lexa looked at her with such open adoration that she didn’t know what to say. Nothing she could say would fully expression what she was feeling. Like her heart was overfull and nothing could ever compare to the woman standing in front of her. So Clarke did the only thing she could to, she closed the space between them and kissed her.

She kissed her to tell her she loved her, and she missed her, and she was sorry. Lexa responded in kind, kissing her back with equal ferocity, and Clarke knew that she understood. 

“I love you too,” Clarke said when they finally separated. She held Lexa’s face in her hands, running her thumb along her cheek, wondering why she ever thought she was better off alone. “And I’m in. I’m so so in.”

Lexa smiled. Her face lit up with it, eyes shining with emotion. “Good.”

Lexa kissed her again, and Clarke felt the past two months fall away. Except for the part where she hadn’t had sex in two months. She felt that acutely.

She pushed Lexa’s coat off, and backed her up against the desk. She struggled with the buttons of Lexa’s shirt, desperate for more contact. When she finally got her shirt open, she slid her hands along the Lexa’s stomach and around to the small of her back, enjoying how Lexa shivered slightly at her touch. 

Lexa’s hands were just as greedy, pushing up under Clarke’s shirt and ghosting across a nipple through the thin fabric of her bra. Clarke leaned into Lexa’s touch, needing the connection as much as anything else.

Lexa flipped their positions, hoisting Clarke up onto the desk. Lexa pulled back, looking at her with a combination of utter adoration and pure lust, and Clarke never wanted her to look away.

“Are we really going to have sex in your office?” Lexa asked.

“Do you really want to wait until I get off work?” Clarke pulled off her shirt, enjoying the way Lexa stared at her body. “And the way I see it, this office has all of your favorite things. Me, and a fuckton of candles.”

Lexa shook her head, laughing softly. “Well when you put it like that…”

Clarke leaned back on the desk, pushing aside scattered office supplies and papers. Lexa took the unspoken invitation and undid Clarke’s jeans, tugging them down. She leaned over her, kissing her again and slipping her hand into Clarke’s underwear. 

Clarke wasn’t sure what she had missed more: Lexa’s fingers or Lexa’s tongue. 

It was quick and dirty sex. Just enough to get them through the day, full of promises of more later. 

Clarke couldn’t make eye contact with Jasper for the rest of the day, especially after the lurid grin he had given her, but it was worth it.

For the first time in what felt like forever she was genuinely and unabashedly happy. 

* * *

 

“I should have just eloped.” Octavia fought with the zipper of her dress. “Then I would be naked on a beach somewhere and wouldn’t have to deal with this shit.”

“You realize that if you had eloped you would have had to bring us along, right?” Raven asked. “Because we’re sure as hell not letting you get married without us.”

“It’s true. And then everyone else would feel left out and it would be a whole thing. You’re much better off this way,” Clarke agreed.

Octavia sighed and gave up, letting Clarke zip her up. “I hate this. Next time I’m definitely eloping.”

“Next time?” Raven asked. “Don’t let Lincoln here you say that.”

“He can deal.” Octavia tugged at her dress, trying to get it to lay correctly, obviously frustrated with the whole process. 

“Just relax okay? The hard part is over. Now all you have to do is walk down the aisle and repeat after some old guy in a dress a couple of times, and then you get to party.” 

Octavia rolled her eyes at Raven’s advice but she did calm down a bit. 

“I’m going to go wrangle the boys,” Clarke said, once Octavia sat down to touch up her makeup. They still had twenty minutes before they had to line up, but she didn’t trust them to be dressed and ready.

The room they were using was on the other side of the hall, which was quickly filling up with people. She ran into her mom, who greeted her with a hug. “How’s the bride?”

“Strongly considering eloping at the last minute, but Raven is under strict orders to not let her out of her sight.” 

“Well, tell her I felt the same way on my wedding day.” Abby smiled warmly at the memory. “I should get seated. I’ll leave you to whatever important job has you running around here.”

They hugged again and her mom went off to find her seat. 

She knocked on the door to the boy’s room, hoping they all at least had their pants on.

“Took you long enough,” Nyko said when he opened the door, much to Clarke’s confusion. “Wait, you’re not Lexa.”

“Nope. Just her better half.”

He looked down the hall. “Is she with you?”

“No, I thought she was with you guys. Why?” She had banished Lexa to get ready with the guys when it became clear that Lexa plus a stressed out Octavia wasn’t a good combination. 

“Lincoln left his cuff links in the car, so she went to get them, but she’s not back yet.” He actually looked at her for the first time. “What do you need?”

“I’m just here to check in and see if there’s anything left to do.”

“I don’t think so,” he said, patting his jacket to check for the rings. “Just the cuff links.”

Clarke appreciated Nyko as the best man, because he was enough of a mother hen to keep everything in order, which made her life easier. “Well if you guys don’t need anything I’ll go look for Lexa. She probably got distracted talking to someone.”

She went back into the hall, looking for Lexa in the crowd. She found her talking to Indra and Aden near the front. Clarke took a moment to appreciate how good Lexa looked in a tailored suit, and how much she couldn’t wait to take it off her, before going up to them.

“Clarke!” Aden ran up to her gave her a hug when he saw her, and she ruffled his hair affectionately.

“Looking sharp.” He puffed out his chest, standing as tall as could, showing off his suit and tie. It was nice to have someone from Lexa’s family treat her no differently than before. Anya had been cold since she and Lexa had gotten back together, and she hadn’t seen Gustus, but she was pretty sure that was because he was avoiding her. 

She knew it would take some time to fully gain their trust back, but she was planning on being around for a while. 

Lexa smiled warmly at her. “Is it time to line up?”

“Not quite, but Lincoln wants his cuff links.”

“Oh yeah, I completely forgot that I had them,” Lexa said, looking somewhat abashed. 

“If you make him wait any longer I think Nyko is going to hunt you down. He seems to think that this whole thing will fall apart if Lincoln doesn’t have them ten minutes ago.”

Lexa rolled her eyes at that, but went to deliver the offending cuff links.

Clarke realized that she was essentially alone with Indra for the first time since Thanksgiving, and she suddenly wanted to be literally anywhere else. Before she could excuse herself, Indra gave her a look that, if she didn’t know any better, she would have thought was almost affectionate.

“I am glad to see that you came to your senses.” Her tone was as cool as ever, but hint of approval in her words pleasantly surprised Clarke. She had been dreading having to interact with Indra that day, expecting chilly disapproval at best, if not outright anger.

“Me too,” she agreed. Because she really really was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is it
> 
> Thanks for reading and all that. It was fun to write, so I hope it was also enjoyable to read


End file.
